So I offer here a list of things that are minute things that people experience in their day-to-day lives that are sexist at their core, but you probably wouldn’t really think about it as such. Think of it as a kind of subliminal messaging of sexism and rape culture. It’s not up front like a store owner paying his male workers more than female workers for the same job, or a man committing rape, or telling a woman to “get back in the kitchen and make you a sandwich.” But these situations do fuel a sexist society and an overall lesser view of women:
1. Conditioning your kids to be apart of their respective, society-made gender roles from birth: By refraining from letting a girl explore her natural talents and interests in the sciences, because she might “get dirty,” you’re telling her that the boys are allowed to follow their dreams, but she isn’t, because she needs to be clean and pristine for male enjoyment purposes. If your daughter has an interest in dinosaurs, buy her a dig set, where she can dig up a dinosaur bone (whether it’s a real bone or not)! If she likes racecars, buy her some toy Nascar racecars for her birthday. Don’t tell her she can’t play with racecars, because that’s a “boy thing.” She should be taught that she can do whatever interests her, and that she has the ability to follow her dreams, whatever those dreams may be. Teach her that there are no gender roles in your household. It starts when your kids are little. Try to stay gender-neutral. The whole pink vs. blue thing can get so annoying when it’s overdone. Don’t put your baby girl in a one-sie that says “Future Trophy Wife.” No. Refrain from forcing your girls to play with pretend kitchen set-ups, while you force your boys to play with toy Incredible Hulk figurines. If they naturally choose those toys at the toy store and want to play with them, then fine. But if your son wants to play with a Barbie doll, let him play! If your daughter wants to play with a Nerf gun, then let her play! There is no shame in opening your mind a little bit, and it’ll let your children know that they can do whatever they want without having to feel judged or looked down upon. You certainly don’t want to make your son feel self-conscious about being sensitive. I mean sensitivity is a good thing, so if you squash that and try to make him “be a man,” then you’re essentially telling him that sensitivity is wrong. Guess what that does. It teaches him that he can never show sensitivity or vulnerability himself, and it could make him look down on women for their sensitivity. It fuels this idea that women are lesser, because they are typically more sensitive than men, and that men should never show fear. It’s all about the perspective you’re passing down to your kids. You don’t want your daughter to think she’s less of a person, simply because she is sensitive. And you want to make sure she knows she can do whatever she wants with her life, and that she can compete with the boys. You also want to teach your son to respect women, and not just by telling them to respect them, but by teaching them that it’s ok to be sensitive and vulnerable sometimes – by showing them that it’s ok if they want to play with “girlie” toys, because being a girl and playing with “girlie” toys isn’t a bad thing! If they get the idea that it’s “girlie,” and therefore, lesser to play with a Barbie doll than a Hulk figurine, then you are implanting in their heads an idea of “girls aren’t as good as boys, so that’s why they have to play with girl toys, while boys get to be manly and play with boy toys.” There’s nothing wrong with your son playing with a Barbie doll. He will not “turn gay,” just because you let him play with it. And if he likes “girlie” toys, because he’s gay, well, he’s going to be gay, no matter what. You can’t change that about him, so you might as well build up his self-confidence, rather than tear it down and make him think there’s something wrong with him. And if your daughter wants to play with a Nerf gun, that doesn’t mean she will turn out to be gay either, but if she does, then your job, as a parent, is to love her and support her, no matter what she throws at you in life. Letting them play with “boyish” vs. “girlish” toys is not going to determine their sexual orientation, but it can determine their self-worth. Besides, this shouldn’t even be an issue, because you should love your kids no matter what, gay or straight, fat or skinny, boy or girl. They are your kids, and you should just want them to be happy, whether you believe it’s ok to be gay or not.
2. Putting importance on superficiality, especially when it only pertains to women: Now this can be a man telling his daughter that she is needs to wear make-up, or it can be a boyfriend telling his girlfriend that she needs to lose weight, or it can be a total stranger telling a woman she is ugly. Women don’t owe men anything. We don’t have to wear make-up, just for a man’s approval or enjoyment. What I love about my workplace is that it doesn’t require women to wear make-up or do their hair all fancy-like every day. Yes, we all have to appear professional, but you can do that without dressing yourself up as a Barbie doll. The men and women both have to be presentable and professional but the women can do that in the same way as the men – by wearing professional attire and making sure their hair isn’t sticking out all over the place, like they just rolled out of bed. That’s pretty much the extent of the requirement, which is great, because it’s not really fair to enforce double standards. If you have a daughter, whether you’re her mother or her father, please don’t force her to wear make-up once she hits a certain age. Please don’t tell her she needs to wear high heels or dress up in fancy dresses all the time or always look like a pretty, pretty princess. Yes, teach your kids to be professional and dress accordingly. But don’t tell them they need make-up in order to look good. This applies to boyfriends and even total strangers too. Never should you ever tell a woman/girl that she needs to wear make-up, that she needs to lose weight (unless you are close to her, and there is serious health risk involved, and you let her down gently,) that she should not eat so much, that she should not eat sweets, that she needs to exercise more, that she needs to do her hair all fancy-like all the time, etc.
I have a friend who is a bartender, and her manager told her she needed to wear make-up if she was going to bartend. Ok, I get it. People want bartenders to look sexy, and that’s a good way to make tips. (This is unfortunate.) So I’m sure he was just trying to be helpful and tell her how to make more tips, but this is ridiculous. No restaurant manager should be telling his female staff that they need to wear make-up. And we shouldn’t be fueling this ridiculousness. Just because men are more likely to tip a sexy woman, as women, we shouldn’t take advantage of that! We should try to change it instead. No one should get more tips, simply because she is beautiful or all done up. Your tips should revolve directly around the service you give and how hard you work.
I’ve seen so many women post pictures of their online encounters with strangers who think they can bully them into changing their appearances, and these women don’t even know these men! One girl’s online post from her experience on a dating website was a man who asked her why she appears fat in one photo and skinny in another photo. When she replied, telling him that that’s rude, and that she has always been curvy, he told her that she is not curvy, but rather fat. That is unacceptable! Not only is that plain mean and an example of cyber-bullying, but it’s basically telling a woman that she’s not worth anything if she’s fat, chubby, overweight, heavy, curvy, or whatever. When that’s the first thing you read from someone’s message to you on an online dating site, rather than “Hey, I see you graduated from Georgia State with a Bachelor’s degree in Environmental Science; so did I” or “I love your macrame videos; you are so talented,” it sure does send us a message saying all that make us worth something is our looks. Because that’s all you noticed. Out of everything on our profile, you noticed that we are chubby, or that we don’t wear make-up, or that our hair is thin, or any other superficial thing you can think of. Of all that we have to offer, that’s all you cared about.
I saw a post from an online YouTube personality the other day, and it actually upset me, even though I should’ve just shaken my head. First off, take a look at this girl. She is BEAUTIFUL. She has a beautiful figure, and she is not, by any means, “fat.” She is talented and funny, and it is blantantly obvious that she has class, confidence, and her own sense of self-worth that is not determined by other people. But this guy, who she said she had never met in person in her entire life, only cared about her weight. He literally told her all of these great things about her: that she’s smart, beautiful, funny, etc. Then he proceeded to tell her that the only reason that he wouldn’t date her is because she “need[s] to f*cking lose weight.” Wow. So, according to this guy, she has everything on her side – an infinite number of amazingly dateable qualities – but the only one that he cares about, and the only one that keeps him from wanting to date her, is her weight – the fact that she is not a stick. Just wow. I couldn’t even believe that post was real. He even said that the reason he hadn’t “made anything happen” with her, is because she, in his opinion, needs to lose weight. First, obviously sending her that message was plain mean, completely unnecessary, and an example of cyber-bullying. But other than that, it was so sexist! Not only was he basing her dateability and, therefore, her worth as a human being on her looks and nothing more, but he also was basically telling her that he had control – that he was the one who determines whether or not they date each other. He said the reason he hadn’t “made anything happen” with her is because she needs to lose weight. He didn’t say her weight was reason he hadn’t tried anything on her, or the reason that he hadn’t thought about her in that way, or anything like that. No, his specific words make his perspective on women loud and clear. He views himself, as a man, to be in control. He views women as the prey and men as the predators, and men get to decide who dates whom. If he wants her, he gets her. If he doesn’t want her, then it’s her loss. He didn’t even consider whether or not SHE was interested in HIM, which I’m guessing now that this post has leaked, probably no one will be interested in him for a long time. But the point is – it’s that kind of mentality that fuels sexism – the mentality where men are in control, and women are just there for the pleasure of men. And, of course, it would be wrong if a woman were to do the same type thing to a man. It would be wrong if a woman randomly messaged a guy on a dating site and told him that he was ugly or fat. But when was the last time you heard about a woman doing that? Not often, and that’s because it’s rare to find a woman who actually views women as superior to men, and who views men as objects. It’s a whole lot more common that men view women as objects.
3. Men’s approach to women: It can be as simple as a man shaking a woman’s hand by placing his hand on top of the woman’s hand, covering it – and then, when the same man shakes another man’s hand, their hands are side-by-side, showing mutual respect. It can be sneaking a grab at a girl’s butt when you just met her at a bar. One time, I went shopping at the city mall with my friend, and she brought along her two guy friends, who I had never met before. She and I were probably 13 years old, and I think these guys were a couple years older. When I turned around to look at a dress hanging up, one of the guys kicked his foot up and used it to lift up my skirt. It was embarrassing and degrading. And since he was so young, you could chalk it up to the “boys will be boys” thing, but I just think his parents hadn’t taught him how to be a gentleman. The way you speak to a woman tells all too. Men should speak to women respectfully. There should be no talk about her body until you and she are thinking about becoming intimate. When I did online dating, I had guys, every now and then, simply see a photo of me and start talking to me about sex and my personal body parts, as if there was nothing on my profile that was interesting, besides my photos. Nevermind that I had filled my profile with my goals, dreams, education, interests, hobbies, talents, and thoughts. No, that didn’t matter. That’s what most girls, I do believe, look at first when scoping out a potential mate online. But a lot of men aren’t like that. And I guess it doesn’t really hurt if a girl’s looks is the first thing you notice, and I guess it depends what you’re on an online dating site for. But you should never send a woman a degrading message online that only has anything to do with her looks and nothing to do with anything else, particularly if it’s not tasteful. I would much rather a message that said “Wow, you are just so beautiful,” rather than “Mmmm, the things I’d do to you!” Honestly, with the first message, I don’t even consider that a problem at all. Yes, it is focusing on my looks only, but it’s in a tasteful way that is more likely to give me butterflies than something like the second message that would make me feel dirty – and not in the fun way.
4. Cat-calling: This really goes along with #3. I just wish that all men would be respectful, because cat-calling certainly is not. It is sexist, because it is calling out a woman in public for her body and, otherwise, her appearance in a distasteful manner. Not only is it disrespectful, but it can be scary too. Women walk around with targets on their back, and when a strange man approaches her, she has a natural instinct to be uneasy and on her guard, because she doesn’t know you. So when you hoot and holler at her, she is already under the impression that you’re a disrespectful low-life, so what proof have you given her that you don’t pose a threat to her physical or sexual health? None. Besides this, cat-calling is blatantly objectifying a woman, as if all she is worth is her sexuality and appearance. And, for the sake of all that is good and holy, please don’t ever tell a woman to smile. It’s different if you’re her boyfriend and telling her that you wish she’d smile more often. But if you’re a stranger on the side of the street, don’t tell her to smile. She doesn’t have to smile. She can do whatever she wants. She doesn’t know you, and she doesn’t owe you anything. That is rude, and no man should have a say over whether a woman is smiling or not, especially a complete stranger. When is the last time you heard a women cat-call a man? When is that last time you heard of a woman objectifying a man? Women don’t do it to men, so men shouldn’t do it women. It’s called mutual respect. If you want more information on this in further detail, check out my other blog entry called “Dodger Logic #91: Feline-Beckoning.”
5. Sexualizing young girls and women through the media or in any other aspect of life: I saw a post online today about how Jessica Simpson posted a photo of her 3-year-old daughter in a swimsuit on social media, and she got slammed for it by people who kept talking about all the pedophiles in the world who might like that photo, and how terrible it was for Jessica Simpson to post it, knowing that people could be looking at it in such a disgusting way. Even suggesting that this is a possibility is perpetuating this sexist culture I'm talking about. No one thought this photo of her child was sexual, until someone awkwardly suggested it. Making that suggestion is disgusting in itself. Most people aren't pedophiles, and if anyone is worried about that, then they should re-examine their Facebook friends. Besides, if it's ok for this child to be out in public in a swimsuit, then why isn't it ok for a photo of her in the swimsuit to be posted on Facebook? Yes, I get it. I get their are those rare sickos out there, but most people aren't like that, and Jessica Simpson can post whatever she wants. It was an adorable photo, and it wasn't sexual at all. CHILDREN ARE NOT SEXY. A lot of people are even arguing that overly strict dress codes in schools are sexualizing young girls by suggesting that body parts, like their shoulders, are inappropriate to be exposed. It's this whole idea of forcing women to cover up that makes things worse. Pushing women to hide their bodies (beyond what is reasonable,) be ashamed of their bodies, and be afraid of men is perpetuating this divide, where women are worried about sexual violence, and men are getting a bad reputation, even though most men and women are totally normal people that have nothing to do with sexual violence! Thinking about the kids again, it's also about those children whose parents put their daughters through surgeries and do them all up and put them in pageant after pageant, making it seem like the only thing girls and women are worth is their looks. Furthermore, the sexualization of women that we see in magazines and on tv, as well as how harshly women are judged by their bodies in the media, perpetuate this twisted culture that demeans women. All of this objectifies women. If you want to learn more about this, check out my blog entry "Dodger Logic #77: False Advertising."
6. Modern day music - especially when kids are listening to it. I hate hearing kids sing lyrics about rape and sexual violence, and they don't even realize it. It's like they don't realize that they're kind of being brain-washed to think the things they sing about are normal and ok.
7. Otherwise insisting that women owe you something: The best way to explain this is with an example that I’ve heard way too many men use, but I haven’t heard women use it much. The Friend Zone. (I’ve actually written a blog entry on that one too if you want to check it out. It’s called “Dodger Logic #86: The Dreaded Friend Zone.”) It really irks me when I hear a guy say that a girl put him in the “Friend Zone,” and how could she do that, because I’m such a nice guy; nice guys always finish last! Well, did you ever stop to think that maybe the chemistry just isn’t there? Did you ever stop to think unselfishly, and about the fact that she does have a say about who she dates, just like you do? Did you ever stop to think that maybe she doesn’t owe you anything, no matter how nice you are? Just because you’re a nice person doesn’t mean you’re a perfect match for her. There are tons of other things that go into making lasting relationships. And just because you’re nice, doesn’t mean every girl in this world owes you her attention or affection. Just let that one go, realize that you guys are probably not the best match, and move on with your life in search of the woman who does want your affection. WOMEN DON’T OWE MEN ANYTHING. I can’t stress that enough.
8. Women objectifying themselves: I'm not saying that men are the only ones who perpetuate sexism and the objectification of women. There are a lot of women out there that specifically seek out attention from men in a sexual and public way. There are women who engage in prostitution. There are women who act like damsels in distress and talk about needing men to keep them safe. Women are sometimes just as guilty as men. As a culture, we need to fix this.
9. Anything and everything you see in my blog entry "Dodger Logic #92: 'No' is the New 'Yes.'"
Pretty much, if a woman takes it as sexually offensive, or if it is disrespectful or could be construed as sexist, then it is probably sexist and perpetuating rape culture. Pretty much, you should just be a gentleman, and you won’t have to worry about anything. I don’t want anyone to get confused or think that they should never hit on a girl. I don’t want anyone to get upset and confused, or think that it’s not ok to approach a stranger if she’s a woman. I don’t want any man to think that every move he makes could be construed as a sexual offense toward women, and I definitely don’t want all men to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around women. I just want awareness. I just want men to realize how they can come across sometimes. I want men to realize that they should be gentleman and courteous. There are ways to approach women, even strange women, in respectful and non-threatening ways. And you can complement women in tasteful ways, and it shouldn’t be an issue. Just be respectful, and you’ll be in the clear. Just remember that it’s all about how the victim takes it, so if you constantly find yourself in a situation where women feel victimized by you, then you might want to re-think your flirting strategy.
Check out this article if you want a really life-changing perspective: http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/06/treating-sons-like-daughters/. It's about a parallel universe where girls are treated like boys and vice versa. Also, I put this webpage on another one of my notes ("Dodger Logic #92: 'No' is the New 'Yes,'") and it's pretty eye-opening too: http://www.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-arent-victims-of-harassment-show-them.
