#82: The Reality of Suicide & Mental Illness

With all the buzz, and especially criticism, of Robin Williams's death, this is something that needs to be said. I understand that a lot of people have never had a mental disease, namely severe depression. If you've never had it, there's really no way for you to understand it. I realize that. But that's exactly it. People who criticize a suicidal mind need to realize just that - that it's something they couldn't possibly understand if they've never been in that place themselves. Read this, and maybe you'll understand it a bit more and humble yourselves.

I've heard a lot of crap about Robin Williams since he committed suicide. I've heard way too much criticism about a man who, until recently, everyone admired and adored. He made us laugh. He gave us a lot of really great movies that we can watch until we ourselves die. He gave us brilliance. So what has changed everyone's view of him? He made a personal choice. Yes, he was rich. Yes, he was successful and famous. Yes, I'm sure he had a lot of "stuff." But that just goes to show you money does not equal happiness. Depression does not discriminate. Just because you're rich and famous doesn't mean you're invincible. And, from what I've seen of the drug scene in Hollywood, being famous is a very stressful job. Did you guys know Robin Williams had been battling drug use and alcoholism his whole life? I heard he had recently relapsed before he died, but that could've been jibber jabber. What I do know is that he had recently been diagnosed with a lethal disease called Parkinson's. He had been given a death sentence. He knew he was going to wither away and die a painful and disturbing death. He would have, in his mind, become a burden to his loved ones, and then he would die. His life was pretty much over when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. Yes, he may have been able to give more, but at the point of his diagnosis, I think he had just been through enough in his life. He was in his 60s, he had lived a pretty full life, and he had accomplished A LOT. He probably felt like he had given all he had to give, and he surely had given a lot.

Nevermind that. The point is that severe depression is a mental disease just like any other disease, except it affects the brain, the mind, the self-esteem, and the soul. It's painful in a completely different way than other diseases. It affects your self worth. Severe depression breaks you down until you feel like you have nothing left to give to anyone. And what hurts the most about it is that you feel like you're a burden on your family. You feel like everyone would be better off without you - like you'd be doing everyone else a favor if you somehow weren't there anymore. THAT is why suicide is not selfish. On the contrary, it's like the complete opposite. Someone who commits suicide thinks he/she is doing a selfless act. You get to the point where you feel like you can't take anymore and that your family and friends shouldn't have to suffer on your behalf, so you destroy what you feel like is causing their pain - yourself. Robin Williams was trying to do that. He was trying to keep his family and friends from having to take care of him and watch him wither away and die. He wasn't trying to be selfish. I swear, hearing ignorant people who just have no clue about clinical depression call someone who has just died "selfish" is the saddest and most disrespectful thing I can think of. What do you think Robin Williams's family thinks about hearing people call their son, husband, father, and friend "selfish?" Have you all completely lost your sense of empathy? This family has just lost someone very important to them.

Yes, suicide is very sad. It's sad that someone had to go out like that - in sadness and depression. It's sad when someone shortens his/her life and doesn't get the full effect of living. (However, Robin Williams was old enough to have lived a full life, and with all that he accomplished, I'd say he did just that.) It's sad when loved ones are left behind with questions. "Why did he think we'd be better off without him?" "Could we have done something to save him?" "Did I play a part in his unhappiness?" Yes, that is very sad and haunting. But Robin Williams made a personal decision. He didn't want to live anymore, so who is to say he shouldn't be allowed to quit? If that's really what he wanted, then he should have been allowed to do it in peace. We all have the right to live, and we all have the right to die. No one knows what Robin Williams was thinking, or what he was going through. Everyone is battling demons that no one else could possibly understand. But he made a choice for his own personal life - a choice that he should have been allowed to make.

So why didn't Robin Williams get help? Why didn't he talk to a psychiatrist and get some meds? Well, maybe he did. I don't know. Not every kind of medicine works for everyone. Besides that, medicine isn't a cure-all end-all. You have to use it right. When I had severe depression, my doctor gave me a pill and told me "This is not a happy pill. It will not work if you don't make it work. This is a tool. I'm giving you a screwdriver, but you have to turn it on the screw in order to make it work." Maybe Robin Williams tried but just didn't have it in him. Or maybe he was just like many others battling depression. Maybe he was afraid of exactly what he has received - judgement. Maybe he was afraid to seem weak. Maybe he feared discrimination and isolation. Afterall, he was very much in the public eye. These are the things that haunt tons of people who don't seek help for severe depression. Isn't that sad? They feel this way because of all this constant judgement that goes around when something like this happens. Instead of judging them, what would happen if everyone offered support, love, help, compassion, patience, tolerance, and open-mindedness? Then maybe people with depression would be more likely to seek help, instead of turning to such drastic measures such as suicide.

Think about what you're saying when you say it. Think about who it could hurt. No, I didn't know Robin Williams personally. But I've personally been in his place before, as I have previously battled severe depression. If it weren't for my mom's intervention, I could've ended up like him. Also, I've had 3 family members commit suicide in the past. It's not something to joke about, and it's not something to readily criticize. Think about who is around you when you tell people you think suicide is selfish. You may have no clue who you're offending. And I can tell you, I want to rip off the head of any and every person who has ever tried to tell me suicide is selfish.

Everyone has the right to their own beliefs. You can believe suicide is selfish if you want, even if you've never been in that place and could never possibly understand it. Believe what you want. But collectively, everyone needs to stop pretending like you have the right to judge how someone else lives their life or dies. No one can judge what they don't know or understand. How about we take all this negative energy from judging and, instead, use that energy to educate ourselves on the matter? And have some damn empathy - if not for him, then at least for his family. The man JUST died.

I'm not giving the depressed a way out here. I'm not letting you all off the hook. I still think you should take care of yourself and your loved ones if you can, because there is always another way. You can always decide to become happy and move on. With some help, you can do anything. Depression is very real. It takes lives, just like any other disease. It's not a joke, and it's not to be taken lightly. If you or a loved one has shown signs of depression, get some help NOW. Don't wait. To get started, you can go to this website: http://www.therefuge-ahealingplace.com/lp/depression-treatment?mm_campaign=A2E530639621994F7182B3D66DD5EFF1&keyword=%2Bdepression%20%2Bhelp&mm_utm_source=Google&mm_utm_campaign=Depression_Tier_2_Broad_HCVR&ad_type=Depression&_kk=%2Bdepression%20%2Bhelp_kt=c3d13c89-6fd4-48a6-bd1b-401378d07048&utm_term=%2Bdepression%20%2Bhelp&gclid=CKLFqeCfqMACFSbl7Aod_h4AiQ. You can get confidential help from their hotline, (855) 451-0970. And if anyone ever needs to talk, I'm always available.

 Let this be my memorial to Robin Williams. R.I.P.

 Mental illness does not discriminate. One in 4 Americans has a mental illness.

Zelda Williams, Robin Williams's only daughter, posted this after Mr. Williams's death.

Zelda Williams also posted this after her father's death. I think it says it all.

#81: Does True Love Wait, or Does True Love Show that Love?

In Christian churches, and I'm sure in churches, temples, mosques, etc. of many other religions, people are taught that they are supposed to wait until marriage to have sex. To do so before marriage is unclean and a sin. Some churches even teach that you will go to Hell if you have sex before marriage, although from my experiences in church, I've never been told something that extreme. This is definitely a noble notion in theory, in my opinion. However, what is the reality of it? The whole point of it is to keep yourself clean for your future spouse. That's great, but what if you don't see that as significant? What if your spouse doesn't see it as significant? What if having sex before marriage doesn't make you feel unclean? What if you have sex with one person before marriage and you end up marrying that person? Is it ok to have sex before marriage if you are sure you're in love with that person and will marry them someday? (Set aside the simple fact that lots of people think that about their boyfriend/girlfriend, and they don't end up marrying that person in the future afterall.) Here's my thing. Saving yourself for marriage is not really realistic in this day and age, and it may not even be necessary, as in it may be pointless. By this, I mean this may be an archaic practice, maybe even rightfully so. And also, teaching children to wait til marriage may be sending them the wrong message, even scarring them for life and tainting their idea of sex.

First off, think about what marriage is. It's a paper certificate. Yes, it symbolizes a lifetime of love, loyalty, friendship, intimacy, honesty, patience, and tolerance. It signifies your relationship with your spouse. It definitely means a lot to a lot of people. However, some peope realize that you can have all those things without a piece of paper that says so. I think marriage is good for some people, but other people don't need it. I have 2 friends who have been together for over 10 years, and they don't plan on getting married, but they have made a commitment to each other to be together for the rest of their lives. And I'm sure they have sex. No one doubts that, and so far, I haven't seen anyone condemn them for it. They love each other and are devoted to each other. My aunt and uncle are the same way. I think they've been together for more than 20 years and aren't married. You know what's funny? Both these couples have 2 of the best relationships I've ever seen, and they're not married on paper. Hmmm... Anyway, I'm not here to analyze what makes a relationship a good one or bad one. I just want to share with everyone the idea that marriage is not necessary. It's totally fine if you want to do it. I'm probably going to do it one day. But you don't have to get married if you don't want to. Does that mean you have to remain a virgin your whole life and never share that love and intimacy with your boyfriend/girlfriend? NO WAY! That's preposterous. I don't think I personally know anyone who would believe that. Here are the points of having sex: 1. Intimacy with your partner, 2. Having fun with your partner, and 3. Reproduction. If you want to reproduce but don't want to get married for whatever reason, who cares? As long as you stay together and raise that child together as a family, go ahead! It's your life and your decision, and just because you're not married doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to do that. It also doesn't mean you should be forced to get married if you want to reproduce. (That being said, I don't think people should go around breeding willy nilly when they aren't old enough and haven't built a home and aren't ready for it, just because I said it's totally cool for people to have kids out of wedlock.) My point is this: It's ok if you don't want to have sex with just anyone. I'm not prepared to say I think it's ok to have sex for pleasure with just anyone. But if you're in love, you can share that intimacy with your partner before you marry him/her. And even if you don't end up marrying that person, it's ok if you have sex with someone you're in love with. As long you're safe and mature and understand what you're doing, it's ok as long as you're ok with it. Don't abstain from giving yourself to the person you love, just because society or the church tells you it's wrong. Love is never wrong, and sex is a physical way of showing that love to your partner. Sex is supposed to be beautiful when it's with someone you love. Some people will tell you it's only for reproduction purposes, but if that's so, then why is sex so much fun? Why does it feel so good? People do it for fun and intimacy with their partners all the time, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with enjoying it, as it is meant to be enjoyed. It's ok to have sex if you're not intending on reproducing. And it's ok to have sex with the intention of reproducing, even if you're not married. Do what you want to do with your life, and don't let anyone judge you for it. If you believe any of this is wrong and don't want to do it for your own reasons, then don't do it, and don't let anyone judge you for feeling that it is wrong for your own moral values. But if you want to do any of this, then do it, and don't feel bad about it or take anyone else's judgements of you into account. Everyone has a right to having their own personal beliefs and values, and everyone has a right to do whatever they want with their own life, preferably without judgement from others.

Here's something else that is interesting. When I was growing up in the church as a child, I was taught that sex was dirty. Yes, I was told that it was ok as long as it was done in wedlock. However, it gave me the idea that sex was wrong, and that' the way I looked at it. As a teenager, I wanted to rebel against my parents, society's laws and rules, and especially the church I had grown up in. Most teens go through that kind of stage - where they want to do the exact opposite of what they're supposed to. That's when teens find themselves, make mistakes, and mature. So since I had been told sex was wrong, that made me curious about it, so I wanted to try it, even though I didn't have any hormonal feelings that made me crave sex. I was simply curious, since everyone had made such a big deal out of it my whole life. You see, making sex such a big deal makes lots of teens curious about it. That can actually be dangerous, since a lot of teens aren't safe when they have sex, as a lot of teens really don't know what they're doing. So teaching children that sex is dirty or that they should wait til marriage to have sex can backfire on you. That's why I encourage everyone to stop sticking with these unrealistic teachings. It works with some people, but not with the majority of people. All too often, the opposite is what people end up doing. That's why I encourage people to educate their kids on sex, instead of teaching them things that they're inevitably not going to listen to 99.9% of the time. So teach your kids about sex, so they won't run off and find out about it themselves. Educate them about safe sex, and teach them that it's better to save it for someone they love. Don't fill their minds with these unattainable goals. (Again, for some people, these are attainable goals. I know someone who is my age and is still a virgin, because she wants to wait til marriage. However, she is one in a million.) Be there for your kids when they are curious about sex. If you answer their questions, they won't be so curious and won't run off and get the answers out there in the real world by whatever means necessary, which is what most teens do when they're curious. I mean it's normal to be curious when you're growing up. You're interested in the world and want to learn. That's a good thing! It's a sign of a healthy brain actually. Anyway, yes, I went through this stage, as tons of teens do. And I wasn't scarred by my church's teachings about sex, but I read an article about someone who had to go through intense sexual therapy due to her experience in the church. Her church taught her that it was wrong to have sex out of wedlock, so being a virgin became her identity and her pride. So when she got married, she felt guilty about having sex with her husband, because she felt dirty and was sad she was no longer a virgin. This put a road block between her and her husband, as they couldn't have sex. So she had to go to therapy to fix the problem. I don't have to tell you that sex, physical attraction, chemistry, and intimacy are extremely important in a relationship, and the lack of these can cause break-ups and divorces. So this is a really big deal! Not everyone reacts the way this woman did, but the point is, some people do. Also, this woman mentioned that she and her husband rushed into marriage and got married too young, because they were in a hurry to share that intimacy with one another. That is something worth mentioning. Everyone knows the younger you get married, and the less time you've been together befor eyou get married, the less likely your marriage is to last. Here is the article if you want to read it in full: http://thoughtcatalog.com/samantha-pugsley/2014/08/i-waited-until-my-wedding-night-to-lose-my-virginity-and-i-wish-i-hadnt/.

So here's another thing I didn't mention in the introduction. What if you wait to have sex til you're married? You think you did the right thing, but something went tragically wrong. You and your spouse don't match up in bed. I'm going to give you an account of a couple I know. (They are no longer a couple actually, but they used to be.) Now there were a lot of things that happened behind closed doors, besides what I'm about to tell you. However, here is an example of the point I'm trying to get across to you. I know these 2 people who used to be married. We will call the husband Jimmy and the wife Sasha. Jimmy would've had sex 3 times a day if Sasha would've let him. Sasha only wanted sex every now and then. Her sex drive was nowhere near as high as Jimmy's. They didn't enjoy sex together all the time, because they didn't match up sexually. But that was just the beginning of their sexual problems. Since Jimmy wanted sex so often, Sasha felt like a piece of meat, so that made her resent Jimmy and not want to ever have sex with him. Since Sasha's sex drive was so much lower than Jimmy's, Jimmy didn't get as much sex as he felt like he needed and deserved, so he felt unattractive and unwanted with Sasha's constant rejection. They ended up divorcing later. Believe it or not, sex is a huge part of a relationship. You have to be sexually compatible in order to have a good sex life, and thus a good marriage. That's not to say that sex is the only important part of relationships. I'm not saying that at all. But it is a significant part of relationships. Bad sex lives can absolutely cause break-ups and divorces. Guess what is a great way to find out if you're sexually compatible with your partner before you make a lifetime commitment to him/her: have sex before marriage! There's the same to be said about living together. You never really know a person until you live with him/her, so that's why I, personally, believe you should live with a person before marrying him/her. That way, you know your lifestyles are compatible and you can live together before you pay all that money to make a lifetime commitment to that person. Lots of Christians will tell you that, if you truly love each other and you waited to have sex til marriage, God will bless your marriage and keep you together. I know a ton of Christian marriages that have ended! Just because you waited to have sex before marriage doesn't mean you will not get a divorce or live an unhappy life with the wrong person. Some Christians will also tell you that, if you wait to sex have til you're married, you will definitely love the sex, because you'll have nothing to compare it to. This is total bull. The first time I had sex, I knew I didn't like it. I liked the guy I did it with, but the sexual chemistry wasn't right. I felt nothing for him in that way after I had sex with him. I had nothing to compare him to, but I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel bad about having sex before marriage, so that wasn't it. I just didn't have fun with him sexually. I didn't feel like he matched up with me in that way, and he didn't give me that tingly feeling I knew I was supposed to get. What if I had married that guy before I had realized that we didn't match up sexually? Look, as a human being with instincts, just like any other animal, you will know when the sex isn't good or you don't match up sexually with your partner, whether you have something else to compare it to or not. If you gamble that you're going to enjoy sex with your spouse before you even try it, and you wait to have sex before marriage, then you're gambling the future of your marriage. For some people, things work out. For some people, things don't work out. The best we can do is try to take every step we can to make sure things will work out. And we can do this by making for certain that we're with the right person in every single way.

I'm not saying anyone should do something they're uncomfortable with. In fact, I'm saying the exact opposite. If you would feel more comfortable with test driving the car before you buy it, then do it. If you are uncomfortable with having sex before marriage, and you have made a commitment to your god that you won't do it, and you're doing it for your own personal beliefs and not anyone else's, then don't have sex before marriage. Just make sure that you're doing what YOU want to do. Make sure you do what you do for your own self (or for your god, if that's what you believe.) Do YOU. Don't make life choices based on what your church congregation, pastor, or parents want from you. Do what makes you comfortable. If you have fallen in love and want to show your boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them in a physical way, then do it, and don't feel bad about it. Don't let anyone judge you for your own personal life choices, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. And don't judge other people for their own personal choices. If you believe in something, live by example, instead of judging other people. Afterall, everyone has a right to live for themselves, by their own personal standards, everyone has a right to their own personal beliefs, and everyone has a right to peace without outside judgement and scrutiny.

Also, I'd like to throw out here that, if you wanted to wait til marriage to have sex, and you wanted that for your own self, but you didn't wait, then don't beat yourself up over it. We all make mistakes. You are not going to go to Hell over one silly mistake you made. You will be ok. Just keep pushing on and moving forward, and try to get back to your beliefs and morals. Just because you have "soiled" your virginity doesn't mean you can't go back and do it all over again. You can always go back and wait to have sex until marriage from this point forward. Nothing could ever condemn you to an eternity of torture, just based on that one insignificant mistake, and anyone who truly loves you will still love you even after you've made your mistakes. The best advice I can give you is to keep moving forward and don't beat yourself up over your past. It's never to late to do what's right, no matter what you believe is right.