#107: The Paradox of Tolerance

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m big on fighting for the rights of the underdog, whether that person is black, Hispanic, Muslim, gay, transgender, a woman, etc. A lot of people don’t know why I care so much. I’m white, so I’m on top. Shouldn’t that make me happy? Or even if it doesn’t make me happy, why should it make me mad? Meanwhile, I’m over here wondering why it doesn’t make everyone mad – no matter who you are. I have been approached by multiple people (and even if it hasn’t been me that has been approached personally, I have seen it happen in front of me,) who contend that I am intolerant of intolerant people. They say I preach tolerance, but I need to tolerate people who hold different opinions, or else I am going against what I am preaching. So I’m here to explain to everyone what exactly I am preaching when I ask people to be tolerant of others.

When I ask you to be tolerant, I’m asking you to tolerate the existence of people in this world that are of a different race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, ability, & sex than you. I am asking you to be kind to your Muslim neighbor who has never said a rude thing to you. I am asking you to be civil to the black guy at work who has always been a stand-up employee. I’m asking you to give basic respect to the woman who asked you to stop grabbing her backside at the club. I’m asking you to leave that gay teenager alone & stop yelling at him for his “lifestyle choice.” I am asking you to tolerate the existence of people who are different from you & just live your own life the way you choose to live it.

That is a whole lot different than you asking me to tolerate your racism. To these people who have told me I need to tolerate them for their beliefs, I now speak directly to you. I tolerate you for believing that marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman.  I tolerate you for believing that all other religions are inferior to yours, because according to you, your religion is the “true” religion. I tolerate you for only being attracted to people with your same skin color. I am tolerant of you for your general opinions and attributes that make us different. I think everyone should be. What I do NOT tolerate are your actions & speech that are meant to oppress marginalized groups of people. I will NOT tolerate you spitting on a random person who appears to be Muslim. I will NOT tolerate you disowning your daughter for choosing a male gender identity. I will NOT tolerate you using racial slurs on social media. I will NOT tolerate you voting for a presidential candidate who pushes for the eradication of an entire race of people or religious group from our country. I can tolerate you for your beliefs & opinions without tolerating your actions & speech, and I should NOT be expected to tolerate your blatant acts & speech affiliated with racism, xenophobia, islamophobia, homophobia, sexism, etc. toward other human beings.

We are not talking about your opinion on your favorite food, your favorite color, or where you like to buy your jeans. We are talking about how you affect other people with your actions & speech. We are talking about you participating in & perpetuating the oppression of other human beings. And we aren’t even talking about your personal opinions of other people; we are talking about the way you treat them. Would you have told Matthew Sheppard to tolerate his bullies, who ended up murdering him over his sexual orientation? Would you have told Martin Luther King, Jr. to tolerate the racists who wanted to keep him from getting his basic human rights? Would you tell that Muslim girl on the train to tolerate the man yelling islamophobic slurs at her? Then WHY would you ask me to tolerate the nasty, terrible way that you treat and talk about other people based on silly things, such as their race.

I’ll give you an example. My best friend is a Christian. I am not. I’m sure she thinks her religion is superior to others, because she believes Christianity is the only “true” religion, and I know she isn’t happy that I do not consider myself a Christian. But she respects people of other religions, and she respects me for my lack of religion. She believes marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman. I do not. And even though this is her belief, I have known her to have several gay friends. THIS is tolerance. She tolerates people of different religions & sexual orientations, even though she doesn’t believe it’s right to believe in a religion other than hers, or that it’s right for a man to love another man. She also tolerates me for holding opposite beliefs. In turn, I tolerate her beliefs in Christianity and “traditional marriage.” But if she ever persecuted non-Christians or LGBTQ+ people, I would NOT tolerate that, nor should I be expected to. Thankfully I don’t have to worry about her doing that, because she is a decent human being, and that’s why she’s my best friend.

As soon as you start to tolerate intolerant people, you are exhibiting cowardice. You are neglecting to fight for what you believe in & stand up for the oppressed. That is the paradox of tolerance! You can not tolerate people who oppress others or spew hatred; you can only tolerate normal people who are just living their own lives & not bothering anyone. That’s what bugs me so much about people who say “Well, you preach tolerance, but you only mean you should tolerate people who agree with you.” No. That’s not it at all. If you are spewing hatred, no one is required to tolerate that or listen to it. But we are required to be decent, civil human beings to people who have not hurt us in any way, but just happen to be a different race, religion, etc. than we are.

Why is this important to get out there? Because your actions & speech have more impact than you probably think. There are gay teens listening to your hate speech & committing suicide. Two men listened to Donald Trump spew his hatred toward Mexicans, and it inspired them to beat up & urinate on a homeless Mexican man. Hate crimes & suicide happen all the time, and it originates from people who are not tolerant of others, so they take that intolerance and turn it into speech & actions that affect everyone else in the most repulsive ways. So no, I will NOT tolerate your intolerance.

 Affect.*

No.

#106: The Right to Die

Morbid blog entry alert! The faint of heart need to turn back now! You have been warned.

At the end of 2014, there was news buzzing about Oregon’s relatively new act called “Death with Dignity” when Brittany Maynard, 29, who was terminally ill with brain cancer, chose to leave her home in California to move to Oregon and become a resident there, so she could take advantage of this new act. On November 1, 2014, Maynard passed away on her own terms, in her own bed in Oregon, surrounded by family, rather than succumbing to her terminal disease, which would have caused her to painfully waste away in front of her family.

In order to be eligible for the Death with Dignity Act, you must be a resident of a state that has passed the act: Oregon, Vermont, & Washington (soon to be California as well.) Montana also has a similar act in place. Also, in order to qualify, no fewer than two doctors must deem you mentally sound and terminally ill, as well as give you a prognosis of 6 months or less to live. You would not be eligible just based on age or disability. In the event that you are eligible, you may choose one of multiple ways to die on your own terms. Maynard chose to die by ingesting doctor-prescribed pills.

There were, as expected, many critics of this poor young woman’s decision. Many people believe suicide to be wrong or a “sin.” A lot of people contend that it should not be our choice if we live or die; it should be the choice of a higher power or the universe itself. Many people even say that, if you pray to a higher power, you will be healed, and if you are not healed, then the higher power will take you when he/she is ready for you to go. A lot of people who believe in the existence of Heaven & Hell believe that people who commit suicide will no longer be eligible to enter the pearly gates of Heaven, and instead, are doomed to an eternity in Hell. Many people said she should have tried whatever she could to try to survive. Many people believe suicide to be selfish, as you leave behind family that may depend on you, and if they don’t depend on you, they still love you and will hurt when they lose you. For all of these reasons, Maynard endured backlash for her decision. But Maynard countered that she was not committing suicide, because dying was not even a choice for her: “I am not suicidal…I do not want to die. But I am dying. And I want to die on my own terms.” (You can read all about Maynard’s story on www.cnn.com/2014/10/07/opinion/maynard-assisted-suicide-cancer-dignity/.

Put aside your personal beliefs as to whether or not suicide is wrong, or whether or not this situation qualifies as suicide. Let’s think realistically about what this act is. It’s mercy. Once Maynard found out she had terminal brain cancer, she basically lived at the hospital. The doctors told her the tumor would just keep getting worse, and there was no cure for it. They could try to extend her life past her prognosis of 6 months by giving her full brain radiation, a long, painful procedure that wasn’t even guaranteed to make a difference at all. There was no treatment that could save her life, and the recommended treatments would destroy what little life she had left. Doctors told her she would waste away for weeks or even months in extreme pain, while her family watched her lose her verbal, cognitive, and motor skills. It would have been a painful process for both her and her family. THIS was the only life she had left to look forward to, and with only misery left ahead of her, Maynard thought the best decision was to end her life before it became unbearable for all parties involved.

Today on Facebook, I read an article about an elderly couple who committed suicide by jumping in front of an oncoming train, because the wife was wasting away after a brain aneurism, and the husband did not want to live without her. While this is a sad yet still sweet story, this is what happens when people are not allowed to end their lives legally with medical assistance. An innocent, unknowing, unwilling third party (the train conductor) was forcibly involved in this tragic accident, and he will never forget or probably forgive himself for taking 2 lives, even if it wasn’t his fault or done intentionally. A husband and wife died tragically, instead of dying peacefully in their bed. They died alone, rather than surrounded by family and friends. No one knew until right before it happened, when the husband called his son to tell him they loved him, so instead of being let down easy over time, the family was struck with shock and grief. I think the Death with Dignity Act will keep things like this from happening, so it might help way more than hurt.

Now, moving into a bit of a different direction, many people believe it is our right to die with dignity if we are already going to die soon, but I think far fewer people believe it is our right to die at any point in our lives, no matter the circumstances. If a person, whether mentally sound or not, whether terminally ill, just plain old, completely disabled, or perfectly healthy and young, should it be a person’s right to take his/her own life if he/she wishes to do so? I think most people will say no. I think there will be varying reasons why, but I want an answer with substance. When people use excuses such as, it’s a “sin,” it’s wrong, or it’s selfish, I can’t help but think that those answers are just opinions. A lot of people don’t even believe in “sin,” as a lot of people are not Christians, and a lot of people have different understandings as to what qualifies as “wrong.” If there is no direct victim, how can something be wrong? If a person chooses to take his/her own life, it is only directly affecting him/her, not anyone else. For instance, if you murder someone else, it wasn’t that person’s choice to die; he/she is the victim, so murder is wrong. Or if you’re a Christian, murder is a “sin.” And as far as “selfish” goes, everyone has their own opinion on that. Typically when people are so depressed that they want to die, they feel like their family & friends would be better off without them, so they feel like suicide is actually a noble & selfless cause, so this point is also debatable. So if someone simply doesn’t enjoy life & doesn’t want to live anymore, you might have your own morals that make you wish they would fight for their lives & find their happiness, but who are we to tell other people how to live or how to die? Is it our right to interfere?

And if everyone should have the right to die, then are there any reasons to ever deny someone that right? A lot of people agree the terminally ill should have this right, but what about people who are simply old & wasting away? People who are sickly but don’t have a terminal disease? People who are severely disabled? What about people who are physically healthy and young but simply don’t want to live? Should we deny people based on whether or not they are mentally sound? Should we even force them to get a doctor’s opinion, or should we just let them choose their fate & follow through with it?

Please understand I’m not condoning suicide, nor am I trying to make excuses for why it should be legal for people to kill themselves. I am simply asking what other people think about the subject, because I think this is an interesting talking point. However, I do believe the Death with Dignity Act is a great act that should be made available everywhere. No one should have to waste away in severe pain & misery due to a terminal illness, especially when the family would have to watch it happen. Thoughts?

 Brittany Maynard before she passed with dignity.

#105: What NOT to Wear

I keep seeing all of these Facebook posts about empowered young girls who go against the dress code of their schools, get into trouble for it, and then protest it. A lot of these girls contend that they are being “body-shamed,” and that they are “more than a distraction.” They claim they are being forced to miss class to change, so that boys won’t be distracted by them, but instead of teaching girls that they need to hide their sexuality and their bodies, young boys need to be taught that women are not sexual objects. Therefore, these girls believe they should be allowed to dismiss the dress code and wear clothing such as tank tops, spaghetti straps, crop tops, short shorts/skirts, tops in which their bras are showing, etc.

Everyone who knows me even the slightest knows that I’m a feminist. As I believe most people should be, I believe women should be treated in the same way as men. I deplore double standards between male & female genders. I believe women should have the right to make decisions about their own bodies. I hate that people use terms and phrases, such as “be a man,” “you do x like a girl,” etc, because it implies that women are lesser than men. I absolutely hate when men are not allowed to dress like women without major scrutiny, but women can dress like men all they want without being bothered (for the most part,) because it society STILL thinks it’s a sign of weakness for a man to be even the least bit feminine. But I have to say that, for the most part, I disagree with this recent dress code movement.

In a completely unrelated topic, I believe everyone should be able to run around as they please – whether it’s fully-clothed or naked as a jaybird. We are animals. It’s natural. We shouldn’t be ashamed of our bodies, and women are expected to cover much more of their bodies than men are, which are apart of the double standards that I have already mentioned that I hate. But here’s the thing. If a school or a workplace sets a dress code, you are to follow it. That is their school or workplace. They make the rules, not you. They set certain standards for the way they want their school to appear to the public and the higher-ups, and if you don’t meet those requirements, you can either go to another school or simply not go to school.

School dress codes have been in place since schools were started. They set rules & standards for both girls & boys. It’s not about shaming girls’ bodies or oppressing them into missing classes to change clothes. If you come to school with proper clothing in the first place, you won’t miss class. The school sets the dress code, you agree to the dress code when you start school there, and you follow the dress code. It’s not about girls vs. boys. In my high school, whether you were a boy or a girl, you weren’t allowed to wear pants below your hips, show your boxers/bra, wear sleeveless shirts, go without belts, go without your shirts being tucked into your pants, wear shorts/skirts that were shorter than 3 inches above the knee, etc, whether you were a boy or a girl. We even had to wear ID badges around our necks at my high school! (Anyone who doesn’t have to do that should count his/her blessings.) Everyone had to follow these rules. There were rules that were more geared toward girls, and there were rules that were more geared toward boys, but everyone had to abide by all of these rules. They are set to make the school appear professional to onlookers, as well as to ready its students for a professional career someday. Try going into a job interview with a crop top & short shorts, and see if you get the job. On the first day of said job, (which you wouldn’t get anyway, because you showed up to the interview with a crop top & short shorts,) show up in a mini-skirt & spaghetti straps with your bra hanging out, and see how long you last there. I doubt your protests about that workplace’s dress code being in place to shame and oppress women will fly there. Dress codes are in place for a reason. Someone else’s school = that person’s rules.

Now, I totally understand you being annoyed over a Draconian dress code, such as girls not being allowed to pants, or boys having to wear a bow tie. I even understand if you don’t like your school enforcing a school uniform. I still think you should obey the school rules, but if these instances are a problem, I understand if you want to protest this peacefully & respectfully without actually breaking the school rules while they are in place.

I also totally understand if a school has tons of dress code rules set for girls but none or few for boys. I get your point if there are rules set for both boys and girls, but the boys get away with not abiding by the dress code, while the girls are made to miss class over breaking dress code. Again, I hate double standards. Not only should you be upset about this, but you should protest it – not by disobeying the rules yourself, but by bringing this to the higher ups’ attention and demanding that the boys be forced to adhere to the same rules that the girls are forced to follow. So if this is something that is going on at your school, I definitely understand fighting for equality. But if everyone is held accountable for the dress code rules, then I don’t understand the uproar. It seems to me like a lot of children are trying to take a good cause (feminism) and warp it to fit their agenda of defying school rules. And I find it ridiculous. It’s twisting the good cause of feminism into something it’s not, and thus, discrediting it.

Young girls: I can not speak for all schools or for all situations, but more than likely, you are NOT being victimized. Yes, boys need to be taught not to view or treat girls as sexual objects. Yes, you are more than a distraction. Your education matters. You are worth just as much as any boy at your school is worth. But your school dress code is more than likely NOT victimizing you, trying to tell you that your education doesn’t matter as much as that of the boys at your school, nor teaching boys that you are a sexual object. This is not about you; it’s about all students. It’s about all students obeying the rules set for them by the people who own the place where you get your education, as well as teaching you how to dress professionally, as you are expected to do in the real world after high school is over.

PLEASE GET OVER YOURSELF, and leave my great feminism cause alone, since you clearly do not understand it.…………………………And tuck in your shirt.

#104: What a Privilege!

To my dismay, I’ve had a few friends & acquaintances say some things that are a bit strange about white privilege, and I feel like maybe some context might make people understand the concept a bit better. These friends & acquaintances have said things to the effect of “I hate when people tell me I have white privilege. I grew up in a poor family & never had privileges. Just because I’m white doesn’t mean I had everything growing up, and it doesn’t mean I don’t work hard. This hatefulness directed toward me, just because I’m white, is oppressing me.” Just…no. I want to shed some light on what it really means to be oppressed, and what white privilege really means. Also, I want to discuss some ways that white people can use white privilege for good – do something honorable with it. But first, we white people, have to admit we have white privilege, and hopefully this entry will help you to come to terms with that fact. Here are some bullet point ideas to help you understand this concept more fully:

1. If you are white, then you automatically have white privilege, point blank. Even if you are mixed but appear to be white, you can have white privilege. I don’t care if you grew up in a poor family or had a rough childhood. If you are white, you were born into the group of people that are in power in this country. You don’t have to worry about a cop following you while you’re driving, just to catch you when you slip up. You don’t have to watch women hug their purses close to them when you get onto the subway. You don’t have to hear car locks engaging when you walk by someone sitting in their car. You don’t have to worry about a store employee eye-balling you while you shop, making sure you don’t steal anything. You don’t have to worry about coming across an article on the internet, in which a black person was charged with a crime, and see a prejudiced commenter calling all black people “gorillas” or “thugs.” You can apply for a job & not have to worry whether or not the person doing the hiring is secretly biased against people whose names sound “ethnic.” You most likely come from a family that has been here legally for a couple of centuries, so you don’t have to worry every time someone knocks on your door, scared that it might be the police coming to deport your parents. If you approach a police officer while unarmed, you probably don’t fear that he will shoot you. If you commit a crime, people will consider you “mentally ill” & “misguided,” while your black counterparts will be considered “thugs that should be hung from a tree.” (Yes, I have actually seen people say these things on the internet.) These are the small things that white people don’t have to worry about that people of color do – and you might not even realize these things happen, because they’ve never happened to you. And what about the big things? Did you know that a white male with a criminal record is 5% more likely to get hired for a job over a male of color with a clean record? And what about the man named Jose who never received any job interviews with his resume until he changed his name to Joe? You can read about that story in the article “He Dropped One Letter in His Name while Applying for Jobs, and the Responses Rolled in” on Huffpost.com. White people are far more likely than people of color to graduate high school, get into college, find a decent job, stay out of jail when they do something illegal, and not be shot by police while they are unarmed. Even if you’re not the type of white person to perpetuate racism, the point is YOU don’t have to worry about any of these terrible things happening to YOU.

2. White privilege is NOT your fault. It’s not your fault that you happened to be born into the group of people who basically run the country. You didn’t choose your skin color. Stop being offended when people talk to you about white privilege, as if that is a put down, because it’s not. They’re criticizing a flawed system that puts white people at the top. It’s not a personal attack directed at you. And the fact that people criticize white privilege does NOT oppress you. You are still at the top. Your race still practically runs this country. You still don’t have to worry about encountering instances of racism like the examples I gave in #1, so please stop using the term “oppression” so incorrectly. They do always say that equality feels a lot like oppression when you’re used to being at the top.

3. Just because you were born into white privilege doesn’t mean anyone is claiming that you haven’t worked hard for what you have. Everyone has their hardships. It’s apart of being a human being. Maybe you grew up in a poor household.  Maybe you were a victim of child abuse growing up. Maybe you lived in a bad neighborhood. I’m sure you have dealt with some hardships, just like everyone has. But think about how people of color go through their own fair share of hardships that all people have, on TOP of encountering racism all the time, even if it’s not blatant racism. Yes, I’m sure you worked very hard for that degree of yours. You worked your butt off to get the best grades in high school, so you could be accepted to the best college. You then worked your butt off in college to get the best GPA & graduate with honors. You worked 50+ hours a week to be able to afford to go to that college & racked up some intense debt that you will now spend years paying off. You tirelessly searched for a good job that would allow you to provide for yourself and your family, as well as pay your debts. We get it. Just because you’re white doesn’t mean someone just handed you your diploma for free & went on with their day. But your black counterpart did all of that, while enduring racism along the way. Your black counterpart had to work just a little bit harder to get where he/she is & had to overcome some obstacles that you couldn’t even dream about, because you don’t know that kind of hardship. And it’s ok. No one expects you to understand those hardships, but we do expect you to come to terms with the fact that you have a small privilege over your counterparts of various colors.

You can do one of three things with your white privilege: deny you even have white privilege, and pretend that racism isn’t as bad as it actually is; use your white privilege to trample on other races, so that you can make it to the top more quickly and easily; or use your white privilege to help people of color raise up. Stand up for the black kid in school who is being bullied because of his skin color. Put people in their place when you see them throwing around racial slurs on social media. If you see blatant racism, try to stop it, or at least bring it to the attention of the people around you. Don’t ignore it. If you ignore it, you are just as bad as the oppressors. Let’s face it; because white people have privilege, people will pay much more attention to a white person standing against racism than they will pay attention to a person of color saying the exact same thing. So it’s the duty of the people with white privilege to stand up & do something. Watch this video for a great example of someone using her white privilege to help a black woman & put a racist person in her place: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1141203362587187&id=354522044588660. All you have to do is admit that you have privilege, and then use it for good – to help others who do not have such privilege. And then you’re doing something admirable, rather than perpetuating or ignoring the problem.