#93: Age is Just a Number

When we grow up, we are plagued with our parents and other elders telling us “You’ll understand when you’re older” and not believing/understanding/hearing out what we have to say. So when we do get older, we are ecstatic to reach an age where we feel like we will start to be heard. I think the age when I started feeling that way was probably 18, when I became a legal adult. Although, it might have come when I was a little bit older and in college. I know that, by my current age, 24, I am long past the point of feeling free to voice my own opinions. I view myself as a fully grown adult. I have a college degree, have a legitimate corporate job that is decent pay, and am in a serious relationship. The only thing that makes me feel like I’m not 100% an adult is that I currently live in an apartment with my mom. (I pay rent, as we are roommates, so don’t think I’m that mooching adult living in her parents’ basement! My mom is single, and it helps us both to have a roommate.) But I feel like, even though I don’t have my own place, since the economy is in the tubes, and affording a place on your own seems to be a huge feat these days, I’m still grown up. I’m educated. I’m intelligent. I’m up to date on current events. I know the law (for the most part.) I know my rights as a U.S. citizen. I am up to date on the problems that my country is currently facing. I’m up to date on the issues being discussed amongst political parties in my country. I’m up to date on the concerns of my country’s citizens today. I am familiar with the changes being made in my country today. If you are like me, then you have done everything in your power to become knowledgeable enough to have your own opinion on topics such as universal healthcare, closing of the borders, gay rights, women’s rights, “Black Lives Matter,” police brutality, etc. – any and all of the “hot topics” you see on the news in the U.S. today. Well, guess what. If you’re 20-something, even though you’re an adult and highly educated, you will STILL face much scrutiny with people who look down on you based on your age. I hate to burst your bubble, but my bubble was burst recently, and that’s why I’m writing this.

I’d like to throw out there that I understand looking at a child or a teenager and, based on their actions and what they say, thinking “Wow, that girl is a little immature. She’ll grow up and become more mature as she gets older, and her views will likely change along with that maturity level. She will understand better when her brain is fully developed, as brains are still developing throughout the course of childhood. Her views will progress as she becomes older and wiser, as that happens for everyone.” I get that. But, as a fully grown adult at the age 24, I have a hard time believing that my views are still subject to much change. My brain is fully developed. I am educated and intelligent. I’ve held a lot of my views my entire life, although some minor views have changed. I realize that, for the course of my entire life, my perspective will grow, widen, and progress. I realize that, as I grow older, as is the same for everyone, I will become wiser and more knowledgeable. I will grow with the times, and my perspective will grow as well. I will start to understand concepts more fully and become more realistic with my expectations. I will realize the more important things in life and be able to brush off the things that don’t really matter as much. However, my core values will NOT change. If they did, I would be a flip-flop. People would view me as hypocritical. People would learn to not trust me. I would not be dependable, and no one would want me on their side of any issues, for fear that I would switch sides again and abandon them. My core values will not change. I will never believe it’s ok to deny someone his/her civil rights due to his/her sexual preference. I will never believe it’s ok to torture animals in a factory farm. I will never believe it is ok to abandon pets on the streets when you get tired of them. Or to engage in any kind of violent acts when it is not absolutely necessary. Or to treat any person as less than human. These are just a few of my core values. I will never back down from these, including many others. My perspective on these concepts may grow and widen, and I may become more knowledgeable about them, but my values will not change. And if I voice my opinion about them, I will most likely have done my due research on the topics before speaking. If I haven’t, I will mention that as a disclaimer, so as to let everyone know to take that opinion with a grain of salt, as I need to know more about the subject before expressing a true, full opinion on the matter. I don’t know about anyone else, but that goes for me, and I’m sure it probably goes for a lot of other 20-somethings.

The reason I’m writing this isn’t to rant about someone who rubbed me the wrong way by tossing aside my opinions due to my age. It’s to explain several reasons why 20-somethings, as a whole, are credible sources for knowledge and opinions. There are quite a few things that older folks need to realize and accept about 20-somethings. Here’s why I think 20-somethings deserve to be heard:

1. We grew up in the age of technology and current events. We have lived through some huge historical events already, even at such a young age: The September 11 attacks, Hurricane Katrina, the Iraq/Afghanistan War, to name the big ones. Due to technological advances in recent years, we have been up to date on all of these events the minute they have happened. We have literally lived through it, even if we weren’t there ourselves. I wasn’t in New York on 9/11/01. I wasn’t in Louisiana during Katrina. I definitely have never been to Iraq or Afghanistan. But we all have gotten a huge, up-close look at the events surrounding these catastrophes, simply because we grew up in the technological era. Our grandparents have never even learned how to use computers. (Well, mine have, but they are very young grandparents. However, most elderly folks don’t even touch computers.) Some parents aren’t even very computer savvy. I remember having to teach my mom how to text when I was just a teenager. (She caught on well, by the way.) We grew up with tvs, computers, smart phones, etc. We got access to all the national and local news the fastest out of anyone before us. We grew up in schools that were able to teach us all about current events, get us involved in them, and get our opinions on them, simply because we had access to all of that information, because again, we have lived through the age of advanced technology! That’s not to say that the people who were born before us haven’t had access to all of this information as well. But I bet you that, when they were 20-somethings, they didn’t have access to as much information on current events as we have had growing up, and not as quickly. And 20-somethings these days have been so involved in current events. We all have opinions on everything, and maybe that’s because we are so knowledgeable about them. I think it’s a brilliant, amazing thing to have an opinion on something. I also think that, in most situations, it’s a good thing for there to be several different opinions on a single subject. If everyone agreed on everything, life would be boring, and progression wouldn’t even be possible.

2. We are increasingly progressive. We are all for change, acceptance, open-mindedness, & education. We want to make a change. It’s not that generations past haven’t wanted to make a change, but these days, young people are all about moving foward.

3. We are the most open-minded generation yet. First it was an issue of race. In generations past, people discriminated against the Native Americans, the Irish, and African Americas. Then it was an issue of gender. Women had to fight for their right to vote and to be treated as equals to men. Then it was an issue of rights for folks with disabilities. Now it’s an issue of LGBTQ+ rights. As time has progressed, people have become more open-minded and pushed for equal rights for all. Now it seems we’re toward the end game, and the only problem we seem to really have left (when it comes to the law at least,) is LGBTQ+ rights. Other than that, we’ve seemed to knock all the other ones out. Native Americans are not being slaughtered anymore. The Irish are allowed to work anywhere they would like. African Americans are no longer allowed to be forced into slavery. Women are allowed to vote. Disabled folks are allowed to work. Now, there’s only one thing left, it seems. (That's not to see there's not more room for equality to grow, but at least we are being proactive here.) As the times go on, we become more and more open-minded and accepting of change. This generation seems to encompass that open-mindedness and, not only acceptance for change, but the push for change. That open-mindedness is what makes things happen in this world.

4. According to US News, in the past 3 decades, the percentage of people aged 18-24 attending college have increased dramatically - from 26% to 41%. That means more young people are educated today than they were in the past. In addition, politics, government issues, and global issues have become very popular amongst young people. A lot of young people care, and that should be something that older folks are proud of.

5. We are very hardworking. We grew up poor - in the worst economy since the Great Depression. We grew up in a time when gas cost almost $4/gallon (up until recently.) We grew up in a time when college costs $20,000/semester, yet we were only making $7.25/hour! We had to work our way through college on slave wages, while the cost of living was way higher than those wages. We have powered through the mistakes of our elders. Remember that the older folks are the ones who ruined the economy that young people are now having to live through, and soon we'll be having to fix it as well.

6. We are human beings, and human beings deserve to be heard. If you don’t think we have done enough research on the matter we are expressing concern about, then I understand not buying into our opinions, as well as being annoyed that we spoke without knowing enough about a concept before speaking about it. I get that. I don’t like it when ignorant people express their opinions, but everyone deserves to be heard. Judge the people who haven’t done their research on just that – their ignorance. Don’t just a 20-something based on age. That’s simply not fair if that person is intelligent and knowledgeable about the topic he/she is expressing concerns about.

Also, I'd like to point out that silencing another human being is just generally a bad idea. Do you really want young people to stop caring about this country? I thought that was a good thing. There are so many efforts out there to get young people involved in their communities, country, politics, and government. Do you want us to stop caring about our government and economy? If you silence us based on something so shallow as age, then don't be surprised if we stop getting involved in politics. Don't be surprised if we give up in trying to make a difference in the world or push for better days. I don't ever think it's ok to give up, and it's not my personality to do that, but I fear what happens to other people when they are silenced. This generation comprises future doctors, lawyers, and presidents of this country! We are going to be in control of everything soon, so build us up! If you ignore us now and make us feel like our voice doesn't count, then we won't care when it really DOES count. Not to mention, not listening to another person is highly offensive, especially when the only reason you're not listening is based on something that person can't even control. Saying that young people don't know what they are talking about or that they are full of crap is an unfair, judgmental blank statement. Our opinions are our opinions, and they are valid. They might not be the same as yours, and they might not be the wisest of opinions at times, but they are certainly valid, and we deserve to be heard, even if you disagree.

If you still don’t believe 20-somethings have a lot to offer this world, even at such a young age, then I don’t know what else to say. The only thing I’d really like to mention is that it seems like folks that are older than 20-somethings only seem to pick at 20-somethings when their stances differ. Other than that, everyone is fine with our opinions. So just keep in mind that, just because someone who is younger than you doesn’t share the same opinion as you, it doesn’t mean that is not a valid opinion, or that that person doesn’t have a right to that opinion. Afterall, if I voice an opinion, it is likely that that opinion started somewhere else – especially if it’s from an article I found online or an official holding political office. It is highly likely that the author of that article or that official in office is older than 20-something. If that person is allowed to hold that opinion, and it is looked at as a legitimate opinion when he/she holds it, then why can’t 20-somethings also hold that opinion? At what age do our opinions become legitimate? I have realized that, if by the age of 24, my opinions are still not considered by many to be legitimate opinions, then I’ll likely never be old enough. I’ll be 80 years old, and the one person I’ll find left in this world who is older than I am will always have something to say, like “I hate it when 80-somethings think they know everything.” And I’ll face-palm myself and write another blog entry about how offensive it is to dismiss someone’s opinion based on something that person can not control, particularly when it really has no bearing on whether the opinion is genuine or not. So I think I can speak for 20-somethings everywhere when I say, you should listen to us. We have a lot to say, and we have some great points sometimes. We might not always be right, and we might need some guidance sometimes, but we are a truly amazing generation. Don’t judge based on anything but merit. Because in cases like these, age truly is just a number.

#92: "No" is the New "Yes"

I know this is something a lot of people don’t want to talk about, but it has become a pretty open issue lately. Women have been much more open to standing up and doing something about rape culture. We have decided not to be silent anymore. We have decided to stop perpetuating it and start voicing our opinions and displeasure with rape culture. We have decided to stand up and be heard and do something about it. What is rape culture? Wikipedia is actually good for a few things, including their definition of “rape culture.” According to Wikipedia, “in feminist theory, rape culture is a concept in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” So basically, a lot of people are concerned that rape is becoming accepted and normalized in the world, and people aren’t taking it as seriously as they should. We are worried that a lot of people are sending young children the wrong signals that perpetuate sexism, even if they’re not meaning to do that at all. This sexism can cause boys to look down on women and disrespect them, which is what rape stems from –  boys/men who look at women as being inferior to them, and thus, feeling that they have a right to have a woman’s body, whether that woman consents or not. And this can be something that is a problem for boys/men who would never consider themselves sexist but end up treating women improperly, due to a deep-down perspective of women, even if they don’t really realize it. My most recent blog entry, "Dodger Logic #91: Feline-Beckoning," was about this same issue, but it wasn’t so boldly stated that the big issue here is rape culture. It might help you to read that blog before reading this one, but either way, I think I’ll be able to make my case pretty well. So I’ve compiled a list of scenarios that constitute “rape culture,” whether you have ever thought about it qualifying as such or not. Also, I will explain how these scenarios perpetuate rape culture.

1. The “Boys Will be Boys” attitude: When boys/men play rough or act aggressively, a lot of people chalk it up to the fact that they are male. They are supposed to be aggressive. They are supposed to play roughly. That’s what they do. Nevermind teaching  young boys to be gentlemen. Telling your daughter that your son hit her simply because he’s a boy, and boys do that, is sending the wrong message to both of your children. It’s telling your son that it’s ok to be rough with women, and that he’s supposed to act like that. Not only is it telling him it’s ok to mistreat girls/women, but it’s telling him that that’s normal and what he’s supposed to do. You’re telling your daughter that it’s ok for boys/men to mistreat her, and that that is expected in life. You’re telling your daughter to NOT stand up for herself when she is mistreated. You’re telling her to be silent about it and let boys/men mistreat her, because that’s how life is. She will now expect to be mistreated, and she may end up marrying an abusive husband someday, because she thinks that’s normal and what she deserves, as a girl/woman. It all starts in childhood. When your children do something wrong or socially unacceptable, as a parent, it is your job to punish them. It is your job to teach them the difference between right and wrong. It is your job to protect them. So if your son picks on your daughter, don’t tell your daughter to stop provoking him, or that it’s ok, because your son is “just being a boy.” You are setting your son up to act like a disrespectful jerk his whole life, and you’re ensuring that your daughter will surround herself with men who treat her with disrespect for her whole life.

2. A man making a “move” that is inappropriate or distasteful, even if the woman is wearing something provocative, perpetuates rape culture. Grabbing a woman’s butt in public, especially when you are not in a relationship with that woman, is not only disgusting to watch and humiliating to experience, but it is also perpetuating rape culture. It’s telling a woman that you do not respect her enough to keep your hands where they belong. It’s telling her that you can’t control your own actions for her sake. It’s telling her that she deserves to be violated, because afterall, she’s only on this planet for your pleasure, right? Even if you don’t believe this in your heart, this is what you’re telling a woman with your unwelcomed and most likely unwanted touch.

3. When a woman says “no,” but the man keeps trying (which doesn’t necessarily have to pertain to an actual rape taking place): I hate those love story movies you see sometimes, where the man just won’t give up. I know it’s supposed to cute. I know it’s supposed to give off this feel of “This young woman doesn’t think she wants a relationship, but with this man’s persistence, he shows her that they are perfect for each other, thus making her realize that, out of all the men in this world that she wouldn’t go out with, he turns out to be the one that makes her defy everything she’s ever thought about love.” That’s great and all, but what is this telling boys and men? It’s telling them that, if they persist and keep bugging the girl, they will get what they want, as they deserve, whether this torments that girl or not. Because in real life, when we’re NOT watching a movie with a completely fake plot, what actually happens? The girl gets extremely annoyed and feels threatened and disrespected, as if her “no” doesn’t really mean “no.” She may even eventually get a restraining order on the guy, depending on how bad the situation is. The point is, “no” means “no,” whether it pertains to sex or unwanted gestures of attempted affection. I have had a few guys try and try and try, even though I’ve told them “no” a million times. It gets really annoying, especially if this is a friend of yours who has been your friend for a long time, and you want to continue that friendship. A “no” should mean “end of discussion,” NOT “keep trying, because maybe someday I’ll get so annoyed, that I’ll just give in so as to shut you up.” That’s not fair. Don’t put women in that situation.

4. Blaming the victim/Teaching girls and women to not get raped, rather than teaching boys and men to not commit rape: This one is probably one you’ve been hearing a lot about lately. If a woman is raped, it is not ok to tell her she was “asking for it,” or that it happened because she was “dressed provocatively.” It’s not ok to even ask her what she was wearing or how she was acting. It shouldn’t matter. You’re essentially telling her that it is her fault that she was violated. You’re tearing down her already damaged self-esteem by blaming her pain and hurt on her, and by doing so, taking up for the offender. It’s not ok to point at a girl walking down the street in a mini-skirt and say “She’s asking for it.” As long as she’s not sitting on the sidewalk, naked as a jaybird with her legs spread out, and screaming “Come one, come all, please take me,” she’s NOT asking for it. Yes, there’s a certain way that young ladies should dress, and yes, sometimes women dress a little on the inappropriate side, but that doesn’t mean they want just anyone to sleep with them. Just because a woman dresses provocatively doesn’t mean she’s on the hunt for a man, especially not just any man. She might want to meet someone and see where it goes after that first meeting. She might just want to look attractive for a night out on the town with her friends. Just because she dresses provocatively, that doesn’t mean she wants you, in particular, to forcefully have at her. Maybe she has some insecurities that make her feel like she’s not as attractive if she covers up more skin, and that’s her issue if that’s the case. But that doesn’t at all mean that she automatically wants to sleep with any man that approaches her. And even if she is looking for a one-night-stand, that doesn’t mean you should be allowed to take it from her. Every woman deserves respect, no matter how she is dressed. Respectfully approach her in a non-threatening way if you would like to talk to her. Make respectful moves, and if she seems interested, then pursue it. If she doesn’t, then it’s time to leave that one alone. And if, at the end of the night, you guys are making out in the backseat of your car, and you make a move down south, you are only free to continue pushing it if she is receptive to it. If she says “no,” or she acts like she’s uncomfortable with it, then STOP.  But, for crying out loud, NEVER should you ever think it is ok to rape someone based on what she is wearing or how she is acting. And you should never blame someone for being raped, based on what she was wearing or the way she was acting. And alcohol shouldn’t play a role in it either. You should never say “Oh, well you were really drunk, so maybe you shouldn’t get drunk, and then you won’t get raped.” People should be free to do as they please. If men can get drunk in public, then women should be able to do so as well. Now, I completely understand and recommend taking steps to avoid getting yourself into a sticky situation. Remaining sober enough make proper decisions, remaining vigilant, and utilizing the “Buddy System” are all great ways to avoid sticky situations, but if you find yourself in a sticky situation that results in a crime being committed against you, then that is not your fault. Everyone should always be vigilant, whether you’re a man or a woman. All kinds of crimes are committed against men as well, including rape. There is a risk for everyone, and that’s because we live in a world that has become incredibly unsafe often times. It’s ok and recommended to teach your children to remain vigilant, because the end result of a sticky situation can be undesirable, but it is also recommended to teach your children to respect other people. That way, they themselves don’t become offenders of any kind of crimes (hopefully,) and we can at least try to cut back on crime. However, teaching our girls and women “how to not get raped” is ridiculous; we should be teaching our boys and men to not commit rape instead. Blaming the victim, and rape culture as a whole, for that matter, is what causes rape victims to never come forward about their rapes – because it’s a long process, and they don’t believe it will do any good, because no one seems to really care. According to www.rainn.org, sexual assault is one of the most unreported crimes in the U.S. About 68% of rapes go unreported. Of course, there’s no way to really know a real statistic on this, since they are not reported. Out of every 100 rapes, only 32 are reported. Out of those, only 7 lead to an arrest, only 2 lead to a felony conviction, and only 2 rapists will spend even a single day in prison. The other 98 out of 100 rapists will walk free. Those are some miserable statistics, if I have ever seen any. Maybe if we cared more, we could make these statistics a little more bearable to read. 

5. Being abusive towards girls and women: Of course, this one is the obvious one. An abusive father, husband, boyfriend, brother, uncle, etc. will always teach girls and women that they aren’t important, and that the people who are supposed to love them and protect them in this rotten world won’t even protect them. Abuse shows girls and women what you believe they deserve, and if you believe they deserve to be abused, then who else is going to stand up for them? Who else is going to protect them or fend for them or love them if the one person who is supposed to do that in this world won’t do it? Even if the abuse is not sexual, it destroys the self-esteem down to nothing and perpetuates that culture that says “Women aren’t as good as men, and they don’t matter.” It’s sexism, and it’s rape culture. Show your daughters, wives, girlfriends, sisters, nieces, etc. what they deserve – to be loved, cherished, protected, respected, and treated with dignity.

6. Cat-calling: You knew this was coming. Yes, the blog entry that I wrote directly prior to this one was all about cat-calling, and how that is disrespectful and can really scare women, depending on the situation. It can turn into a dangerous situation, and even if it doesn’t, the female in the situation doesn’t know that. If you don’t understand what I mean by this, then I recommend reading that blog entry before moving forward. Cat-calling is definitely a way of looking down upon women and degrading them. No woman wants to be treated like a piece of meat, and if she does, then she has likely been abused, has self-esteem issues, or is otherwise under the impression that that is what she deserves/that is what’s normal/that is what’s socially acceptable. And I’m sure a lot of people disagree and think cat-calling is playful and not anything to worry about, but to those of you who think that, as a female who is uncomfortable with men cat-calling me, I am not comfortable with it, and it’s all about the way the victim sees it, not the aggressor. So since you never know how the woman is going to take your cat-calls, I recommend not doing it, so as to not offend or scare anyone. I’m sure you mean well, and I’m sure you don’t mean to offend or scare anyone, but sometimes you can come off in ways that you don’t mean to at all, and you don’t want to be that guy.

7. Rooting for the offender: I’ve seen so many cases in which a rape was covered up, because the boy had “too much going for him.” He was a star athlete or had a full-ride scholarship to a great college or was incredibly intelligent and really going places. I don’t think that should matter. If he was worried about his life turning into the wrong direction, he shouldn’t have committed the rape. No one deserves to get off free for a major crime he/she committed, no matter the circumstances. Letting a man off for a rape, simply because he “has so much going for him” is telling the man he can do whatever he wants without any repercussions, and it’s telling the woman that she is not as important as the man who raped her. This is yet another reason why so many women don’t even bother reporting rapes.To (almost) close this blog entry, I’d like to throw out there an alternative perspective on this that men, especially, should pay attention to. Men should be thoroughly offended when excuses are made for men acting inappropriately toward women. I’d like to believe most men are gentlemanly and decent. So when someone makes up an excuse like “Oh, he’s just being a boy, and boys will be boys,” or “Well, she was wearing a mini-skirt, so she was asking for it,” that person is saying that men don’t have any self-control. That person is saying that, basically, men are like animals, and they don’t have any control over their actions. They will act disgustingly toward women who dress inappropriately, and they shouldn’t be held accountable for those actions, because they can’t help themselves. They are too stupid and weak and dirty to be able to control their own actions. To all of these allegations from the people who take up for men who do not act respectfully toward women, all men everywhere should be horribly offended.

Of course there are plenty of other ways to perpetuate rape culture, besides the scenarios I listed. For a quick list of real-world examples, check this out: http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/03/examples-of-rape-culture/. But basically, if you’re acting in a way that could be construed as sexist, or if you say something demeaning about a woman (or this can happen to men as well) that has anything to do with sex, violence, or women or femme men being lesser than "real" men, then it probably perpetuates rape culture. So it might be a good idea to stay away from those kinds of acts and that kind of language, so as to make sure we’re sending the right messages to our kids and, really, everyone else in the world. You don’t want to come off as a chauvinistic jerk any more than you want your daughter to become prey to other chauvinistic jerks, because she thought it was ok to be treated disrespectfully, so let’s try to cut it out with all this nonsense and get back to our busy lives.

For an eye-opening picture, check out this site: http://www.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-arent-victims-of-harassment-show-them. And if you don't know how to determine consent, check out the following metaphorical examples, both of which are pretty funny and completely true: 1. http://www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/ and 2. http://www.upworthy.com/how-7-things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-rape-perfectly-illustrate-the-concept-of-consent?g=2.

Victim-blaming at its finest.

#91: Feline-Beckoning

It has come to my attention that, while I know most men don’t view themselves as “sexist” or “higher up” than women, a lot of men still don’t fully understand the female perspective on a lot of issues that involve not only respect, but safety as well. This blog entry is meant to highlight some of those issues and explain to men, and everyone in general, the female perspective on such issues. Hopefully, you find this enlightening and start to understand us women a little bit better. (Even if that doesn’t really interest you, women love it when men understand them, so maybe it’s worth a shot just to give this a once-over.)

Awhile back, the following video went viral: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch it, because it’s pretty enlightening. A young woman walks the streets for a whole day in just a crewneck t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. She doesn’t look provocative, but she is an attractive, but not flashy, young woman. All she does is walk around, minding her own business. She never responds to anyone who speaks to her, and she keeps staring straight ahead throughout her entire walk. She does nothing to attract attention, yet she is cat-called ALL DAY. Some of the men who talk to her say nice things like “You have a good day.” However, much more men hoot and holler and say things like “DAMN!!!” One guy followed her down the road for quite awhile, like a total creep, and would not leave her alone. One guy demanded that she smile or, at least, thank him for “complimenting her.” If you watch the video and don’t become sick at some of the things that go on, then it may be time for some re-evaluation of your understanding of and respect for women. When I watched this video, my stomach started to churn. It disgusted me. I’m not some crazy “Feminazi,” as they so eloquently call a lot of women these days. I’m a feminist, yes, because I believe that women should have the same rights as men, that women are equal to men, and that women should be just as respected as men. That is the extent of it.

I’m going to start with the obvious. Cat-calling the way a lot of the men, or maybe I should say boys, in the video did is disrespectful. It is disrespectful and creepy to follow someone around, insisting that they speak to you. It is disrespectful to yell “DAMN!!!” at a stranger who is just trying to cross the street and has not given you any kind of a sign that she is interested in speaking to you. That is not to mean that you should never hit on a stranger. There are respectful ways of doing this, and you should definitely feel free to hit on someone in a respectful way, should a woman show you interest. There is a respectful and non-threatening way to approach women in these situations, and there is a way to go about making it known that you are interested in her without disrespectfully cat-calling at her. It is disrespectful for you to demand that she smile and thank you for “complimenting her.” Women do not owe men anything. If you want to give her a “compliment,” as you say, she can smile at you or thank you if she wants, but she is not required to do so. If she doesn’t, maybe you will think she’s rude, and that is ok. But if she doesn’t, then it is NEVER ok to call after her and demand that she thank you for the “compliment.” WOMEN DO NOT OWE MEN ANYTHING – especially when you’re a stranger. The reason she probably didn’t thank you is probably because she didn’t want to acknowledge you and give you a reason to follow her and try to make conversation with her, because she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t know if you’re a threat to her physical or sexual health, and she doesn’t want to communicate with you. Think about it from your perspective. If you cross paths with a homeless person in a big city, and he reaches out to you, are you going to respond or just walk right by? Anyone who is grown up in a big city knows you should walk right by and not make eye contact or say anything, because if you do, that homeless person is very likely to talk back to you or start following you, simply because you acknowledged him, so he thinks he’s going to get something from you. It’s the same in any situation. If you acknowledge a dog, he will likely perk up and run to you. He might even follow you all the way down the street – because he thinks he’s found a buddy. THIS IS WHY WOMEN IGNORE MEN WHO CAT-CALL THEM. We’re not trying to be rude. We’re trying to make sure you don’t get the wrong impression.

But there’s something else that is the bigger issue here that it seems only women understand. Most men can’t fathom this, and it makes sense, because they’ve rarely, or never, had to worry about it. SAFETY. Picture yourself as a small woman. I’m 5’1, so I can tell you I’m smaller than most people in this world, even other women. Imagine yourself being small and simply not as strong as men are, not because you don’t work out, but because you are not chalk-full of testosterone and can’t build as much muscle as men typically can. Imagine that you have to walk home from work, or you have to walk to the store for something, or you go to a bar with friends, or you are walking around the mall. Imagine doing everyday things that you usually never even think about doing. But imagine being female. Imagine all these strange men who walk by you – well over a foot taller than you and much more muscular than you. You hope all these men are good, respectful men. And I like to believe that most are. But the fact is, you don’t know. You don’t know them from Adam. As long as there are serial killers, rapists, and muggers in the world, you will never know with 100% confidence who the people around you are or what they’re capable of. Now, as a man, you don’t have to worry too much about this. A lot of men are taller and more on the muscular side, so even if people wanted to mess with them, they probably wouldn’t get very far. And even if you’re a string bean of a man, you still aren’t a typical target. You can be, but it’s less likely. It is much more likely that a person who is up to no good will choose the woman as their target over anyone else in the area. Women have targets on their backs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it’s simply because people view them as easier targets, weaker, and more vulnerable, whether or not they actually are. So even if you’re a woman who has excelled in her self-defense classes, a strange man on the streets doesn’t know that, so he could easily still target you. Imagine living with that knowledge and underlying fear every day of your life. Imagine trying to live your life to the fullest with no worries, but every time a man that is a foot taller than you looks at you in a creepy way or talks to you randomly when you’re alone, you picture ending up like one of those other women on the news – buried in the middle of a forest, having been beaten, raped, and murdered. While I understand that this is not what comes to mind literally every time I come into contact with strange men, it does sometimes enter my mind – especially when I’m alone, or it’s dark outside, or I’m in an unfamiliar area. It is a scary thought to think that those women on the news could be you. Because, honestly, it could. And I don’t think women should have to live in fear of every strange man who crosses her path. I really don’t. But the sad fact is, that is what is always in the back of our minds, whether we let it consume us or not. And I don’t think we should let it consume us. We should be free to go where we want to go, at whatever time of day or night, and do whatever we want. But the sad fact is, we live in a world that is not always the safest, and whether you think this should be a worry that is on every woman’s mind or not, it is most likely on every woman’s mind.

I remember a guy I went on a date with in Atlanta one time. He kept me out until just before sunset, even though I kept trying to leave before it got dark, and then made me take MARTA home. For anyone who doesn’t live in the Atlanta area and may not be familiar with MARTA, it is an extremely sketchy and not always so safe subway line that goes through the Atlanta area. I try to avoid it at all costs, especially at night. There are tons of homeless people and beggars that take shelter there, and sketchy people swarm around the area – just like I imagine any subway to be. Well, I tried to explain to this guy why I didn’t want to take MARTA home, and that if I was going to do that, then I needed to leave before dark. You want to know the worst thing about this? The guy had a truck! He had a truck, and we were not more than a 10-minute drive from our date to my apartment, but he refused to take me home. So he dropped me off at the MARTA station, tried to kiss me (which obviously wasn’t going to happen,) and then said goodbye as I walked to my potential impending doom. I waited alone for about 20 minutes until the train came, I rode the train for about 15 minutes, and then I had to walk through downtown Atlanta, when it was pitch black outside, past sketchy gangs hanging out in the streets, for 15 minutes to my apartment. It was terrifying. Nothing happened, thank goodness, but the possibilities of what could have happened to me are endless. I was scared out of my mind unnecessarily. All I had on me was pepper spray. And I will never forget that experience. I will never forget the man who made me do that. Truthfully, I should’ve called a cab or a friend. And if I’m ever in that situation again, I will. I never spoke to that man again. It is the only time that I ever actually ignored a man after the first date, rather than just telling him I didn’t want to see him again. I was so upset and scared, and I couldn’t believe someone would put me through that. So I completely ignored him and never spoke to him again. That is what women have to worry about that average men simply can not and will never be able to understand.

So what’s the connection between women’s fears/safety and cat-calling? When you yell at a random woman, even if you think you’re giving her a compliment or saying something nice, that woman views you as a threat automatically. You have just entered her personal bubble by yelling something at her out of nowhere. She doesn’t know you. She’s never seen you in her life. You are a complete stranger. And you’re a man. You’re a foot taller than she is. You’re more muscular than she is. You could easily over-power her. You might be completely innocent and never have any intent to lay a hand on her. Maybe you just want to compliment her. Maybe you want to let her know how hot you think she is, for whatever reason. Maybe you think she might be interested in you if you act like that toward her, and that’s all your intentions are. But she doesn’t know that. You could run to her, chloroform her, kidnap her, rape her, beat her, and even murder her. Or you could be innocent and just a gross, disrespectful little boy. But she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t know you. So automatically, when you cat-call her, she becomes uncomfortable. She is now uneasy and maybe a little worried or scared. I can tell you from experience, when this happens to me, all I want to do is get out of there. I just want to walk really fast and get into a vicinity that I’m familiar with, where guys aren’t hollering at me with no provocation on my part. And if you started following her, like that one guy in the video? That is just about the scariest thing I can think of happening to me on the streets, besides what might follow. That is creepy and disturbing. That guy who demanded that she smile and thank him for his “compliment” – how degrading. That comes from the idea that women are weaker than and inferior to men. That comes from a mindset that women are here simply for the enjoyment and pleasure of men. That comes from a sexist attitude and outlook. Because no man who actually respects women would ever do that to one.

So what am I saying here? Am I saying strange men should never speak to women unless spoken to first? No. Am I saying men should never approach women for any reason? No. Am I seeing men shouldn’t hit on women in public? No. Am I saying women should live their lives in fear, never going out anywhere where they could come into contact with strange men? No. But I am saying that it would be wise for women to try to stay out of situations that could possibly put them in danger. It would be wise to remain vigilant and aware of your surroundings all the time and make smart decisions. I’m also saying that there is a respectful way to approach someone that you don’t know. If you’re in a social setting, that is the more appropriate place to hit on a woman, rather than on the streets. But even if you do run into someone you think is attractive on the streets, I’m not saying you shouldn’t approach her. But there is a polite, respectful, non-threatening way to accomplish this. Think about where you are, what time of day/night it is, and how you are coming across. Remain vigilant of your social cues. Don’t hoot and holler at the woman. Coming up to a woman to strike up a conversation with her, in hopes that it leads to getting her phone number, is a lot different than yelling “DAMN!!!” at a woman who is crossing the street, just trying to get where ever she’s going. That’s rude, degrading, and disgusting. Again, social settings are really the best places to hit on a woman – bars, clubs, friends’ houses, parties, school, concerts, public parks (during the day time, when there are a lot of other people around,) etc. You don’t want to scare her. You want to reassure her that you’re safe to talk to, and that you only mean well. Let her know you think she’s attractive in a polite, non-aggressive way.

 I had a guy come up to me at Publix, and I will never forget him. He came up to me and stood a couple feet away, so as to let me know he wasn’t going to pop my personal bubble, and he said “Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are so beautiful. Your husband is a lucky man!” I said, “Aww, thank you!” He said, “How long have you been married?” I said, “I’m not actually married, but I do have a boyfriend.” He said, “Well, you tell him he’s a lucky man, and you have a good day.” And then he left. I will always remember how good that made me feel and how respectful and non-threatening he was to me. All men should be like that. I could never have made up a more respectful scenario of how to hit on a woman than how that man handled things, and if I had been single, I probably would’ve given him my phone number, just out of being so impressed by him. THAT is how to handle things when you want to hit on a woman. That guy deserves the “Most Respectful Man of the Year” award.

Now what should we do to keep this cat-calling issue under control? And what should we do to keep more women safe, and to make sure they are able to feel safe? The answer is pretty simple. First off, teach your children to respect other people – not only teach boys to respect girls, but teach everyone to respect others. Cat-calling comes from disrespect – from thinking of women as inferior beings – from thinking of women as being solely here for a man’s pleasure – from thinking that they will get what they want if they disrespect women. I’d like to actually know how many women have actually given a guy what he wanted after he has cat-called her. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t usually work, and if it does, then I am very disappointed in my gender. Another thing – to my female counterparts, if you find yourself in an area where you are constantly in disconcerting situations, it might be appropriate to invest in self-defense lessons. I think that’s a good idea for anyone in general, but I just wanted to bring that up. I know some people suggest carrying a gun around, but not everyone is comfortable doing that, and if you don’t know how to use the gun properly – and even if you do – sometimes that can end up causing more harm than good. Also, it’s not legal in every place. Pepper spray is a good idea, as it is legal in most places, I believe. But you can’t go wrong with self-defense. There are some self-defense techniques that are darn near fool-proof.  I’ve always thought about possibly taking a self-defense class, and now I just might.

It also is pretty pertinent to throw out there that not all victims are female. Males can still be victimized. It is not as prevalent as finding female victims, but men can and have still been raped, murdered, mugged, beaten, etc. Just because you are a man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remain vigilant as well. No matter who you are, remain aware of your surroundings at all time, and it might even be a good idea for everyone, including men, to invest in self-defense classes. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself from getting into sticky situations if possible. And if someone does end up in a sticky situation, and harm comes to them, don’t be so quick to jump in and blame it on the person for getting himself/herself into that situation. Sometimes certain situations are unavoidable. Sometimes bad things happen, even in settings that are not easily recognizable as a potentially dangerous situation or setting. Sometimes people don’t even realize they’ve entered a sticky situation until they’ve already done so. Let’s try to keep each other and ourselves safe. Let’s try to stop judging other people’s situations so readily. And let’s try to make everyone more comfortable by being respectful to everyone else. Besides, there are many other better ways to tell a woman she’s attractive than by screaming “DAMN!!!” at her.

For some comic relief, check out these hilarious cat-calling Buzzfeed videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUJ24mblCLY, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8uOErVShiE.

 

What men might as well be saying when they cat-call women. Losers.