#92: "No" is the New "Yes"

I know this is something a lot of people don’t want to talk about, but it has become a pretty open issue lately. Women have been much more open to standing up and doing something about rape culture. We have decided not to be silent anymore. We have decided to stop perpetuating it and start voicing our opinions and displeasure with rape culture. We have decided to stand up and be heard and do something about it. What is rape culture? Wikipedia is actually good for a few things, including their definition of “rape culture.” According to Wikipedia, “in feminist theory, rape culture is a concept in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” So basically, a lot of people are concerned that rape is becoming accepted and normalized in the world, and people aren’t taking it as seriously as they should. We are worried that a lot of people are sending young children the wrong signals that perpetuate sexism, even if they’re not meaning to do that at all. This sexism can cause boys to look down on women and disrespect them, which is what rape stems from –  boys/men who look at women as being inferior to them, and thus, feeling that they have a right to have a woman’s body, whether that woman consents or not. And this can be something that is a problem for boys/men who would never consider themselves sexist but end up treating women improperly, due to a deep-down perspective of women, even if they don’t really realize it. My most recent blog entry, "Dodger Logic #91: Feline-Beckoning," was about this same issue, but it wasn’t so boldly stated that the big issue here is rape culture. It might help you to read that blog before reading this one, but either way, I think I’ll be able to make my case pretty well. So I’ve compiled a list of scenarios that constitute “rape culture,” whether you have ever thought about it qualifying as such or not. Also, I will explain how these scenarios perpetuate rape culture.

1. The “Boys Will be Boys” attitude: When boys/men play rough or act aggressively, a lot of people chalk it up to the fact that they are male. They are supposed to be aggressive. They are supposed to play roughly. That’s what they do. Nevermind teaching  young boys to be gentlemen. Telling your daughter that your son hit her simply because he’s a boy, and boys do that, is sending the wrong message to both of your children. It’s telling your son that it’s ok to be rough with women, and that he’s supposed to act like that. Not only is it telling him it’s ok to mistreat girls/women, but it’s telling him that that’s normal and what he’s supposed to do. You’re telling your daughter that it’s ok for boys/men to mistreat her, and that that is expected in life. You’re telling your daughter to NOT stand up for herself when she is mistreated. You’re telling her to be silent about it and let boys/men mistreat her, because that’s how life is. She will now expect to be mistreated, and she may end up marrying an abusive husband someday, because she thinks that’s normal and what she deserves, as a girl/woman. It all starts in childhood. When your children do something wrong or socially unacceptable, as a parent, it is your job to punish them. It is your job to teach them the difference between right and wrong. It is your job to protect them. So if your son picks on your daughter, don’t tell your daughter to stop provoking him, or that it’s ok, because your son is “just being a boy.” You are setting your son up to act like a disrespectful jerk his whole life, and you’re ensuring that your daughter will surround herself with men who treat her with disrespect for her whole life.

2. A man making a “move” that is inappropriate or distasteful, even if the woman is wearing something provocative, perpetuates rape culture. Grabbing a woman’s butt in public, especially when you are not in a relationship with that woman, is not only disgusting to watch and humiliating to experience, but it is also perpetuating rape culture. It’s telling a woman that you do not respect her enough to keep your hands where they belong. It’s telling her that you can’t control your own actions for her sake. It’s telling her that she deserves to be violated, because afterall, she’s only on this planet for your pleasure, right? Even if you don’t believe this in your heart, this is what you’re telling a woman with your unwelcomed and most likely unwanted touch.

3. When a woman says “no,” but the man keeps trying (which doesn’t necessarily have to pertain to an actual rape taking place): I hate those love story movies you see sometimes, where the man just won’t give up. I know it’s supposed to cute. I know it’s supposed to give off this feel of “This young woman doesn’t think she wants a relationship, but with this man’s persistence, he shows her that they are perfect for each other, thus making her realize that, out of all the men in this world that she wouldn’t go out with, he turns out to be the one that makes her defy everything she’s ever thought about love.” That’s great and all, but what is this telling boys and men? It’s telling them that, if they persist and keep bugging the girl, they will get what they want, as they deserve, whether this torments that girl or not. Because in real life, when we’re NOT watching a movie with a completely fake plot, what actually happens? The girl gets extremely annoyed and feels threatened and disrespected, as if her “no” doesn’t really mean “no.” She may even eventually get a restraining order on the guy, depending on how bad the situation is. The point is, “no” means “no,” whether it pertains to sex or unwanted gestures of attempted affection. I have had a few guys try and try and try, even though I’ve told them “no” a million times. It gets really annoying, especially if this is a friend of yours who has been your friend for a long time, and you want to continue that friendship. A “no” should mean “end of discussion,” NOT “keep trying, because maybe someday I’ll get so annoyed, that I’ll just give in so as to shut you up.” That’s not fair. Don’t put women in that situation.

4. Blaming the victim/Teaching girls and women to not get raped, rather than teaching boys and men to not commit rape: This one is probably one you’ve been hearing a lot about lately. If a woman is raped, it is not ok to tell her she was “asking for it,” or that it happened because she was “dressed provocatively.” It’s not ok to even ask her what she was wearing or how she was acting. It shouldn’t matter. You’re essentially telling her that it is her fault that she was violated. You’re tearing down her already damaged self-esteem by blaming her pain and hurt on her, and by doing so, taking up for the offender. It’s not ok to point at a girl walking down the street in a mini-skirt and say “She’s asking for it.” As long as she’s not sitting on the sidewalk, naked as a jaybird with her legs spread out, and screaming “Come one, come all, please take me,” she’s NOT asking for it. Yes, there’s a certain way that young ladies should dress, and yes, sometimes women dress a little on the inappropriate side, but that doesn’t mean they want just anyone to sleep with them. Just because a woman dresses provocatively doesn’t mean she’s on the hunt for a man, especially not just any man. She might want to meet someone and see where it goes after that first meeting. She might just want to look attractive for a night out on the town with her friends. Just because she dresses provocatively, that doesn’t mean she wants you, in particular, to forcefully have at her. Maybe she has some insecurities that make her feel like she’s not as attractive if she covers up more skin, and that’s her issue if that’s the case. But that doesn’t at all mean that she automatically wants to sleep with any man that approaches her. And even if she is looking for a one-night-stand, that doesn’t mean you should be allowed to take it from her. Every woman deserves respect, no matter how she is dressed. Respectfully approach her in a non-threatening way if you would like to talk to her. Make respectful moves, and if she seems interested, then pursue it. If she doesn’t, then it’s time to leave that one alone. And if, at the end of the night, you guys are making out in the backseat of your car, and you make a move down south, you are only free to continue pushing it if she is receptive to it. If she says “no,” or she acts like she’s uncomfortable with it, then STOP.  But, for crying out loud, NEVER should you ever think it is ok to rape someone based on what she is wearing or how she is acting. And you should never blame someone for being raped, based on what she was wearing or the way she was acting. And alcohol shouldn’t play a role in it either. You should never say “Oh, well you were really drunk, so maybe you shouldn’t get drunk, and then you won’t get raped.” People should be free to do as they please. If men can get drunk in public, then women should be able to do so as well. Now, I completely understand and recommend taking steps to avoid getting yourself into a sticky situation. Remaining sober enough make proper decisions, remaining vigilant, and utilizing the “Buddy System” are all great ways to avoid sticky situations, but if you find yourself in a sticky situation that results in a crime being committed against you, then that is not your fault. Everyone should always be vigilant, whether you’re a man or a woman. All kinds of crimes are committed against men as well, including rape. There is a risk for everyone, and that’s because we live in a world that has become incredibly unsafe often times. It’s ok and recommended to teach your children to remain vigilant, because the end result of a sticky situation can be undesirable, but it is also recommended to teach your children to respect other people. That way, they themselves don’t become offenders of any kind of crimes (hopefully,) and we can at least try to cut back on crime. However, teaching our girls and women “how to not get raped” is ridiculous; we should be teaching our boys and men to not commit rape instead. Blaming the victim, and rape culture as a whole, for that matter, is what causes rape victims to never come forward about their rapes – because it’s a long process, and they don’t believe it will do any good, because no one seems to really care. According to www.rainn.org, sexual assault is one of the most unreported crimes in the U.S. About 68% of rapes go unreported. Of course, there’s no way to really know a real statistic on this, since they are not reported. Out of every 100 rapes, only 32 are reported. Out of those, only 7 lead to an arrest, only 2 lead to a felony conviction, and only 2 rapists will spend even a single day in prison. The other 98 out of 100 rapists will walk free. Those are some miserable statistics, if I have ever seen any. Maybe if we cared more, we could make these statistics a little more bearable to read. 

5. Being abusive towards girls and women: Of course, this one is the obvious one. An abusive father, husband, boyfriend, brother, uncle, etc. will always teach girls and women that they aren’t important, and that the people who are supposed to love them and protect them in this rotten world won’t even protect them. Abuse shows girls and women what you believe they deserve, and if you believe they deserve to be abused, then who else is going to stand up for them? Who else is going to protect them or fend for them or love them if the one person who is supposed to do that in this world won’t do it? Even if the abuse is not sexual, it destroys the self-esteem down to nothing and perpetuates that culture that says “Women aren’t as good as men, and they don’t matter.” It’s sexism, and it’s rape culture. Show your daughters, wives, girlfriends, sisters, nieces, etc. what they deserve – to be loved, cherished, protected, respected, and treated with dignity.

6. Cat-calling: You knew this was coming. Yes, the blog entry that I wrote directly prior to this one was all about cat-calling, and how that is disrespectful and can really scare women, depending on the situation. It can turn into a dangerous situation, and even if it doesn’t, the female in the situation doesn’t know that. If you don’t understand what I mean by this, then I recommend reading that blog entry before moving forward. Cat-calling is definitely a way of looking down upon women and degrading them. No woman wants to be treated like a piece of meat, and if she does, then she has likely been abused, has self-esteem issues, or is otherwise under the impression that that is what she deserves/that is what’s normal/that is what’s socially acceptable. And I’m sure a lot of people disagree and think cat-calling is playful and not anything to worry about, but to those of you who think that, as a female who is uncomfortable with men cat-calling me, I am not comfortable with it, and it’s all about the way the victim sees it, not the aggressor. So since you never know how the woman is going to take your cat-calls, I recommend not doing it, so as to not offend or scare anyone. I’m sure you mean well, and I’m sure you don’t mean to offend or scare anyone, but sometimes you can come off in ways that you don’t mean to at all, and you don’t want to be that guy.

7. Rooting for the offender: I’ve seen so many cases in which a rape was covered up, because the boy had “too much going for him.” He was a star athlete or had a full-ride scholarship to a great college or was incredibly intelligent and really going places. I don’t think that should matter. If he was worried about his life turning into the wrong direction, he shouldn’t have committed the rape. No one deserves to get off free for a major crime he/she committed, no matter the circumstances. Letting a man off for a rape, simply because he “has so much going for him” is telling the man he can do whatever he wants without any repercussions, and it’s telling the woman that she is not as important as the man who raped her. This is yet another reason why so many women don’t even bother reporting rapes.To (almost) close this blog entry, I’d like to throw out there an alternative perspective on this that men, especially, should pay attention to. Men should be thoroughly offended when excuses are made for men acting inappropriately toward women. I’d like to believe most men are gentlemanly and decent. So when someone makes up an excuse like “Oh, he’s just being a boy, and boys will be boys,” or “Well, she was wearing a mini-skirt, so she was asking for it,” that person is saying that men don’t have any self-control. That person is saying that, basically, men are like animals, and they don’t have any control over their actions. They will act disgustingly toward women who dress inappropriately, and they shouldn’t be held accountable for those actions, because they can’t help themselves. They are too stupid and weak and dirty to be able to control their own actions. To all of these allegations from the people who take up for men who do not act respectfully toward women, all men everywhere should be horribly offended.

Of course there are plenty of other ways to perpetuate rape culture, besides the scenarios I listed. For a quick list of real-world examples, check this out: http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/03/examples-of-rape-culture/. But basically, if you’re acting in a way that could be construed as sexist, or if you say something demeaning about a woman (or this can happen to men as well) that has anything to do with sex, violence, or women or femme men being lesser than "real" men, then it probably perpetuates rape culture. So it might be a good idea to stay away from those kinds of acts and that kind of language, so as to make sure we’re sending the right messages to our kids and, really, everyone else in the world. You don’t want to come off as a chauvinistic jerk any more than you want your daughter to become prey to other chauvinistic jerks, because she thought it was ok to be treated disrespectfully, so let’s try to cut it out with all this nonsense and get back to our busy lives.

For an eye-opening picture, check out this site: http://www.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-arent-victims-of-harassment-show-them. And if you don't know how to determine consent, check out the following metaphorical examples, both of which are pretty funny and completely true: 1. http://www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/ and 2. http://www.upworthy.com/how-7-things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-rape-perfectly-illustrate-the-concept-of-consent?g=2.

Victim-blaming at its finest.