#91: Feline-Beckoning

It has come to my attention that, while I know most men don’t view themselves as “sexist” or “higher up” than women, a lot of men still don’t fully understand the female perspective on a lot of issues that involve not only respect, but safety as well. This blog entry is meant to highlight some of those issues and explain to men, and everyone in general, the female perspective on such issues. Hopefully, you find this enlightening and start to understand us women a little bit better. (Even if that doesn’t really interest you, women love it when men understand them, so maybe it’s worth a shot just to give this a once-over.)

Awhile back, the following video went viral: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch it, because it’s pretty enlightening. A young woman walks the streets for a whole day in just a crewneck t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. She doesn’t look provocative, but she is an attractive, but not flashy, young woman. All she does is walk around, minding her own business. She never responds to anyone who speaks to her, and she keeps staring straight ahead throughout her entire walk. She does nothing to attract attention, yet she is cat-called ALL DAY. Some of the men who talk to her say nice things like “You have a good day.” However, much more men hoot and holler and say things like “DAMN!!!” One guy followed her down the road for quite awhile, like a total creep, and would not leave her alone. One guy demanded that she smile or, at least, thank him for “complimenting her.” If you watch the video and don’t become sick at some of the things that go on, then it may be time for some re-evaluation of your understanding of and respect for women. When I watched this video, my stomach started to churn. It disgusted me. I’m not some crazy “Feminazi,” as they so eloquently call a lot of women these days. I’m a feminist, yes, because I believe that women should have the same rights as men, that women are equal to men, and that women should be just as respected as men. That is the extent of it.

I’m going to start with the obvious. Cat-calling the way a lot of the men, or maybe I should say boys, in the video did is disrespectful. It is disrespectful and creepy to follow someone around, insisting that they speak to you. It is disrespectful to yell “DAMN!!!” at a stranger who is just trying to cross the street and has not given you any kind of a sign that she is interested in speaking to you. That is not to mean that you should never hit on a stranger. There are respectful ways of doing this, and you should definitely feel free to hit on someone in a respectful way, should a woman show you interest. There is a respectful and non-threatening way to approach women in these situations, and there is a way to go about making it known that you are interested in her without disrespectfully cat-calling at her. It is disrespectful for you to demand that she smile and thank you for “complimenting her.” Women do not owe men anything. If you want to give her a “compliment,” as you say, she can smile at you or thank you if she wants, but she is not required to do so. If she doesn’t, maybe you will think she’s rude, and that is ok. But if she doesn’t, then it is NEVER ok to call after her and demand that she thank you for the “compliment.” WOMEN DO NOT OWE MEN ANYTHING – especially when you’re a stranger. The reason she probably didn’t thank you is probably because she didn’t want to acknowledge you and give you a reason to follow her and try to make conversation with her, because she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t know if you’re a threat to her physical or sexual health, and she doesn’t want to communicate with you. Think about it from your perspective. If you cross paths with a homeless person in a big city, and he reaches out to you, are you going to respond or just walk right by? Anyone who is grown up in a big city knows you should walk right by and not make eye contact or say anything, because if you do, that homeless person is very likely to talk back to you or start following you, simply because you acknowledged him, so he thinks he’s going to get something from you. It’s the same in any situation. If you acknowledge a dog, he will likely perk up and run to you. He might even follow you all the way down the street – because he thinks he’s found a buddy. THIS IS WHY WOMEN IGNORE MEN WHO CAT-CALL THEM. We’re not trying to be rude. We’re trying to make sure you don’t get the wrong impression.

But there’s something else that is the bigger issue here that it seems only women understand. Most men can’t fathom this, and it makes sense, because they’ve rarely, or never, had to worry about it. SAFETY. Picture yourself as a small woman. I’m 5’1, so I can tell you I’m smaller than most people in this world, even other women. Imagine yourself being small and simply not as strong as men are, not because you don’t work out, but because you are not chalk-full of testosterone and can’t build as much muscle as men typically can. Imagine that you have to walk home from work, or you have to walk to the store for something, or you go to a bar with friends, or you are walking around the mall. Imagine doing everyday things that you usually never even think about doing. But imagine being female. Imagine all these strange men who walk by you – well over a foot taller than you and much more muscular than you. You hope all these men are good, respectful men. And I like to believe that most are. But the fact is, you don’t know. You don’t know them from Adam. As long as there are serial killers, rapists, and muggers in the world, you will never know with 100% confidence who the people around you are or what they’re capable of. Now, as a man, you don’t have to worry too much about this. A lot of men are taller and more on the muscular side, so even if people wanted to mess with them, they probably wouldn’t get very far. And even if you’re a string bean of a man, you still aren’t a typical target. You can be, but it’s less likely. It is much more likely that a person who is up to no good will choose the woman as their target over anyone else in the area. Women have targets on their backs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it’s simply because people view them as easier targets, weaker, and more vulnerable, whether or not they actually are. So even if you’re a woman who has excelled in her self-defense classes, a strange man on the streets doesn’t know that, so he could easily still target you. Imagine living with that knowledge and underlying fear every day of your life. Imagine trying to live your life to the fullest with no worries, but every time a man that is a foot taller than you looks at you in a creepy way or talks to you randomly when you’re alone, you picture ending up like one of those other women on the news – buried in the middle of a forest, having been beaten, raped, and murdered. While I understand that this is not what comes to mind literally every time I come into contact with strange men, it does sometimes enter my mind – especially when I’m alone, or it’s dark outside, or I’m in an unfamiliar area. It is a scary thought to think that those women on the news could be you. Because, honestly, it could. And I don’t think women should have to live in fear of every strange man who crosses her path. I really don’t. But the sad fact is, that is what is always in the back of our minds, whether we let it consume us or not. And I don’t think we should let it consume us. We should be free to go where we want to go, at whatever time of day or night, and do whatever we want. But the sad fact is, we live in a world that is not always the safest, and whether you think this should be a worry that is on every woman’s mind or not, it is most likely on every woman’s mind.

I remember a guy I went on a date with in Atlanta one time. He kept me out until just before sunset, even though I kept trying to leave before it got dark, and then made me take MARTA home. For anyone who doesn’t live in the Atlanta area and may not be familiar with MARTA, it is an extremely sketchy and not always so safe subway line that goes through the Atlanta area. I try to avoid it at all costs, especially at night. There are tons of homeless people and beggars that take shelter there, and sketchy people swarm around the area – just like I imagine any subway to be. Well, I tried to explain to this guy why I didn’t want to take MARTA home, and that if I was going to do that, then I needed to leave before dark. You want to know the worst thing about this? The guy had a truck! He had a truck, and we were not more than a 10-minute drive from our date to my apartment, but he refused to take me home. So he dropped me off at the MARTA station, tried to kiss me (which obviously wasn’t going to happen,) and then said goodbye as I walked to my potential impending doom. I waited alone for about 20 minutes until the train came, I rode the train for about 15 minutes, and then I had to walk through downtown Atlanta, when it was pitch black outside, past sketchy gangs hanging out in the streets, for 15 minutes to my apartment. It was terrifying. Nothing happened, thank goodness, but the possibilities of what could have happened to me are endless. I was scared out of my mind unnecessarily. All I had on me was pepper spray. And I will never forget that experience. I will never forget the man who made me do that. Truthfully, I should’ve called a cab or a friend. And if I’m ever in that situation again, I will. I never spoke to that man again. It is the only time that I ever actually ignored a man after the first date, rather than just telling him I didn’t want to see him again. I was so upset and scared, and I couldn’t believe someone would put me through that. So I completely ignored him and never spoke to him again. That is what women have to worry about that average men simply can not and will never be able to understand.

So what’s the connection between women’s fears/safety and cat-calling? When you yell at a random woman, even if you think you’re giving her a compliment or saying something nice, that woman views you as a threat automatically. You have just entered her personal bubble by yelling something at her out of nowhere. She doesn’t know you. She’s never seen you in her life. You are a complete stranger. And you’re a man. You’re a foot taller than she is. You’re more muscular than she is. You could easily over-power her. You might be completely innocent and never have any intent to lay a hand on her. Maybe you just want to compliment her. Maybe you want to let her know how hot you think she is, for whatever reason. Maybe you think she might be interested in you if you act like that toward her, and that’s all your intentions are. But she doesn’t know that. You could run to her, chloroform her, kidnap her, rape her, beat her, and even murder her. Or you could be innocent and just a gross, disrespectful little boy. But she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t know you. So automatically, when you cat-call her, she becomes uncomfortable. She is now uneasy and maybe a little worried or scared. I can tell you from experience, when this happens to me, all I want to do is get out of there. I just want to walk really fast and get into a vicinity that I’m familiar with, where guys aren’t hollering at me with no provocation on my part. And if you started following her, like that one guy in the video? That is just about the scariest thing I can think of happening to me on the streets, besides what might follow. That is creepy and disturbing. That guy who demanded that she smile and thank him for his “compliment” – how degrading. That comes from the idea that women are weaker than and inferior to men. That comes from a mindset that women are here simply for the enjoyment and pleasure of men. That comes from a sexist attitude and outlook. Because no man who actually respects women would ever do that to one.

So what am I saying here? Am I saying strange men should never speak to women unless spoken to first? No. Am I saying men should never approach women for any reason? No. Am I seeing men shouldn’t hit on women in public? No. Am I saying women should live their lives in fear, never going out anywhere where they could come into contact with strange men? No. But I am saying that it would be wise for women to try to stay out of situations that could possibly put them in danger. It would be wise to remain vigilant and aware of your surroundings all the time and make smart decisions. I’m also saying that there is a respectful way to approach someone that you don’t know. If you’re in a social setting, that is the more appropriate place to hit on a woman, rather than on the streets. But even if you do run into someone you think is attractive on the streets, I’m not saying you shouldn’t approach her. But there is a polite, respectful, non-threatening way to accomplish this. Think about where you are, what time of day/night it is, and how you are coming across. Remain vigilant of your social cues. Don’t hoot and holler at the woman. Coming up to a woman to strike up a conversation with her, in hopes that it leads to getting her phone number, is a lot different than yelling “DAMN!!!” at a woman who is crossing the street, just trying to get where ever she’s going. That’s rude, degrading, and disgusting. Again, social settings are really the best places to hit on a woman – bars, clubs, friends’ houses, parties, school, concerts, public parks (during the day time, when there are a lot of other people around,) etc. You don’t want to scare her. You want to reassure her that you’re safe to talk to, and that you only mean well. Let her know you think she’s attractive in a polite, non-aggressive way.

 I had a guy come up to me at Publix, and I will never forget him. He came up to me and stood a couple feet away, so as to let me know he wasn’t going to pop my personal bubble, and he said “Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are so beautiful. Your husband is a lucky man!” I said, “Aww, thank you!” He said, “How long have you been married?” I said, “I’m not actually married, but I do have a boyfriend.” He said, “Well, you tell him he’s a lucky man, and you have a good day.” And then he left. I will always remember how good that made me feel and how respectful and non-threatening he was to me. All men should be like that. I could never have made up a more respectful scenario of how to hit on a woman than how that man handled things, and if I had been single, I probably would’ve given him my phone number, just out of being so impressed by him. THAT is how to handle things when you want to hit on a woman. That guy deserves the “Most Respectful Man of the Year” award.

Now what should we do to keep this cat-calling issue under control? And what should we do to keep more women safe, and to make sure they are able to feel safe? The answer is pretty simple. First off, teach your children to respect other people – not only teach boys to respect girls, but teach everyone to respect others. Cat-calling comes from disrespect – from thinking of women as inferior beings – from thinking of women as being solely here for a man’s pleasure – from thinking that they will get what they want if they disrespect women. I’d like to actually know how many women have actually given a guy what he wanted after he has cat-called her. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t usually work, and if it does, then I am very disappointed in my gender. Another thing – to my female counterparts, if you find yourself in an area where you are constantly in disconcerting situations, it might be appropriate to invest in self-defense lessons. I think that’s a good idea for anyone in general, but I just wanted to bring that up. I know some people suggest carrying a gun around, but not everyone is comfortable doing that, and if you don’t know how to use the gun properly – and even if you do – sometimes that can end up causing more harm than good. Also, it’s not legal in every place. Pepper spray is a good idea, as it is legal in most places, I believe. But you can’t go wrong with self-defense. There are some self-defense techniques that are darn near fool-proof.  I’ve always thought about possibly taking a self-defense class, and now I just might.

It also is pretty pertinent to throw out there that not all victims are female. Males can still be victimized. It is not as prevalent as finding female victims, but men can and have still been raped, murdered, mugged, beaten, etc. Just because you are a man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remain vigilant as well. No matter who you are, remain aware of your surroundings at all time, and it might even be a good idea for everyone, including men, to invest in self-defense classes. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself from getting into sticky situations if possible. And if someone does end up in a sticky situation, and harm comes to them, don’t be so quick to jump in and blame it on the person for getting himself/herself into that situation. Sometimes certain situations are unavoidable. Sometimes bad things happen, even in settings that are not easily recognizable as a potentially dangerous situation or setting. Sometimes people don’t even realize they’ve entered a sticky situation until they’ve already done so. Let’s try to keep each other and ourselves safe. Let’s try to stop judging other people’s situations so readily. And let’s try to make everyone more comfortable by being respectful to everyone else. Besides, there are many other better ways to tell a woman she’s attractive than by screaming “DAMN!!!” at her.

For some comic relief, check out these hilarious cat-calling Buzzfeed videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUJ24mblCLY, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8uOErVShiE.

 

What men might as well be saying when they cat-call women. Losers.