#92: "No" is the New "Yes"

I know this is something a lot of people don’t want to talk about, but it has become a pretty open issue lately. Women have been much more open to standing up and doing something about rape culture. We have decided not to be silent anymore. We have decided to stop perpetuating it and start voicing our opinions and displeasure with rape culture. We have decided to stand up and be heard and do something about it. What is rape culture? Wikipedia is actually good for a few things, including their definition of “rape culture.” According to Wikipedia, “in feminist theory, rape culture is a concept in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality.” So basically, a lot of people are concerned that rape is becoming accepted and normalized in the world, and people aren’t taking it as seriously as they should. We are worried that a lot of people are sending young children the wrong signals that perpetuate sexism, even if they’re not meaning to do that at all. This sexism can cause boys to look down on women and disrespect them, which is what rape stems from –  boys/men who look at women as being inferior to them, and thus, feeling that they have a right to have a woman’s body, whether that woman consents or not. And this can be something that is a problem for boys/men who would never consider themselves sexist but end up treating women improperly, due to a deep-down perspective of women, even if they don’t really realize it. My most recent blog entry, "Dodger Logic #91: Feline-Beckoning," was about this same issue, but it wasn’t so boldly stated that the big issue here is rape culture. It might help you to read that blog before reading this one, but either way, I think I’ll be able to make my case pretty well. So I’ve compiled a list of scenarios that constitute “rape culture,” whether you have ever thought about it qualifying as such or not. Also, I will explain how these scenarios perpetuate rape culture.

1. The “Boys Will be Boys” attitude: When boys/men play rough or act aggressively, a lot of people chalk it up to the fact that they are male. They are supposed to be aggressive. They are supposed to play roughly. That’s what they do. Nevermind teaching  young boys to be gentlemen. Telling your daughter that your son hit her simply because he’s a boy, and boys do that, is sending the wrong message to both of your children. It’s telling your son that it’s ok to be rough with women, and that he’s supposed to act like that. Not only is it telling him it’s ok to mistreat girls/women, but it’s telling him that that’s normal and what he’s supposed to do. You’re telling your daughter that it’s ok for boys/men to mistreat her, and that that is expected in life. You’re telling your daughter to NOT stand up for herself when she is mistreated. You’re telling her to be silent about it and let boys/men mistreat her, because that’s how life is. She will now expect to be mistreated, and she may end up marrying an abusive husband someday, because she thinks that’s normal and what she deserves, as a girl/woman. It all starts in childhood. When your children do something wrong or socially unacceptable, as a parent, it is your job to punish them. It is your job to teach them the difference between right and wrong. It is your job to protect them. So if your son picks on your daughter, don’t tell your daughter to stop provoking him, or that it’s ok, because your son is “just being a boy.” You are setting your son up to act like a disrespectful jerk his whole life, and you’re ensuring that your daughter will surround herself with men who treat her with disrespect for her whole life.

2. A man making a “move” that is inappropriate or distasteful, even if the woman is wearing something provocative, perpetuates rape culture. Grabbing a woman’s butt in public, especially when you are not in a relationship with that woman, is not only disgusting to watch and humiliating to experience, but it is also perpetuating rape culture. It’s telling a woman that you do not respect her enough to keep your hands where they belong. It’s telling her that you can’t control your own actions for her sake. It’s telling her that she deserves to be violated, because afterall, she’s only on this planet for your pleasure, right? Even if you don’t believe this in your heart, this is what you’re telling a woman with your unwelcomed and most likely unwanted touch.

3. When a woman says “no,” but the man keeps trying (which doesn’t necessarily have to pertain to an actual rape taking place): I hate those love story movies you see sometimes, where the man just won’t give up. I know it’s supposed to cute. I know it’s supposed to give off this feel of “This young woman doesn’t think she wants a relationship, but with this man’s persistence, he shows her that they are perfect for each other, thus making her realize that, out of all the men in this world that she wouldn’t go out with, he turns out to be the one that makes her defy everything she’s ever thought about love.” That’s great and all, but what is this telling boys and men? It’s telling them that, if they persist and keep bugging the girl, they will get what they want, as they deserve, whether this torments that girl or not. Because in real life, when we’re NOT watching a movie with a completely fake plot, what actually happens? The girl gets extremely annoyed and feels threatened and disrespected, as if her “no” doesn’t really mean “no.” She may even eventually get a restraining order on the guy, depending on how bad the situation is. The point is, “no” means “no,” whether it pertains to sex or unwanted gestures of attempted affection. I have had a few guys try and try and try, even though I’ve told them “no” a million times. It gets really annoying, especially if this is a friend of yours who has been your friend for a long time, and you want to continue that friendship. A “no” should mean “end of discussion,” NOT “keep trying, because maybe someday I’ll get so annoyed, that I’ll just give in so as to shut you up.” That’s not fair. Don’t put women in that situation.

4. Blaming the victim/Teaching girls and women to not get raped, rather than teaching boys and men to not commit rape: This one is probably one you’ve been hearing a lot about lately. If a woman is raped, it is not ok to tell her she was “asking for it,” or that it happened because she was “dressed provocatively.” It’s not ok to even ask her what she was wearing or how she was acting. It shouldn’t matter. You’re essentially telling her that it is her fault that she was violated. You’re tearing down her already damaged self-esteem by blaming her pain and hurt on her, and by doing so, taking up for the offender. It’s not ok to point at a girl walking down the street in a mini-skirt and say “She’s asking for it.” As long as she’s not sitting on the sidewalk, naked as a jaybird with her legs spread out, and screaming “Come one, come all, please take me,” she’s NOT asking for it. Yes, there’s a certain way that young ladies should dress, and yes, sometimes women dress a little on the inappropriate side, but that doesn’t mean they want just anyone to sleep with them. Just because a woman dresses provocatively doesn’t mean she’s on the hunt for a man, especially not just any man. She might want to meet someone and see where it goes after that first meeting. She might just want to look attractive for a night out on the town with her friends. Just because she dresses provocatively, that doesn’t mean she wants you, in particular, to forcefully have at her. Maybe she has some insecurities that make her feel like she’s not as attractive if she covers up more skin, and that’s her issue if that’s the case. But that doesn’t at all mean that she automatically wants to sleep with any man that approaches her. And even if she is looking for a one-night-stand, that doesn’t mean you should be allowed to take it from her. Every woman deserves respect, no matter how she is dressed. Respectfully approach her in a non-threatening way if you would like to talk to her. Make respectful moves, and if she seems interested, then pursue it. If she doesn’t, then it’s time to leave that one alone. And if, at the end of the night, you guys are making out in the backseat of your car, and you make a move down south, you are only free to continue pushing it if she is receptive to it. If she says “no,” or she acts like she’s uncomfortable with it, then STOP.  But, for crying out loud, NEVER should you ever think it is ok to rape someone based on what she is wearing or how she is acting. And you should never blame someone for being raped, based on what she was wearing or the way she was acting. And alcohol shouldn’t play a role in it either. You should never say “Oh, well you were really drunk, so maybe you shouldn’t get drunk, and then you won’t get raped.” People should be free to do as they please. If men can get drunk in public, then women should be able to do so as well. Now, I completely understand and recommend taking steps to avoid getting yourself into a sticky situation. Remaining sober enough make proper decisions, remaining vigilant, and utilizing the “Buddy System” are all great ways to avoid sticky situations, but if you find yourself in a sticky situation that results in a crime being committed against you, then that is not your fault. Everyone should always be vigilant, whether you’re a man or a woman. All kinds of crimes are committed against men as well, including rape. There is a risk for everyone, and that’s because we live in a world that has become incredibly unsafe often times. It’s ok and recommended to teach your children to remain vigilant, because the end result of a sticky situation can be undesirable, but it is also recommended to teach your children to respect other people. That way, they themselves don’t become offenders of any kind of crimes (hopefully,) and we can at least try to cut back on crime. However, teaching our girls and women “how to not get raped” is ridiculous; we should be teaching our boys and men to not commit rape instead. Blaming the victim, and rape culture as a whole, for that matter, is what causes rape victims to never come forward about their rapes – because it’s a long process, and they don’t believe it will do any good, because no one seems to really care. According to www.rainn.org, sexual assault is one of the most unreported crimes in the U.S. About 68% of rapes go unreported. Of course, there’s no way to really know a real statistic on this, since they are not reported. Out of every 100 rapes, only 32 are reported. Out of those, only 7 lead to an arrest, only 2 lead to a felony conviction, and only 2 rapists will spend even a single day in prison. The other 98 out of 100 rapists will walk free. Those are some miserable statistics, if I have ever seen any. Maybe if we cared more, we could make these statistics a little more bearable to read. 

5. Being abusive towards girls and women: Of course, this one is the obvious one. An abusive father, husband, boyfriend, brother, uncle, etc. will always teach girls and women that they aren’t important, and that the people who are supposed to love them and protect them in this rotten world won’t even protect them. Abuse shows girls and women what you believe they deserve, and if you believe they deserve to be abused, then who else is going to stand up for them? Who else is going to protect them or fend for them or love them if the one person who is supposed to do that in this world won’t do it? Even if the abuse is not sexual, it destroys the self-esteem down to nothing and perpetuates that culture that says “Women aren’t as good as men, and they don’t matter.” It’s sexism, and it’s rape culture. Show your daughters, wives, girlfriends, sisters, nieces, etc. what they deserve – to be loved, cherished, protected, respected, and treated with dignity.

6. Cat-calling: You knew this was coming. Yes, the blog entry that I wrote directly prior to this one was all about cat-calling, and how that is disrespectful and can really scare women, depending on the situation. It can turn into a dangerous situation, and even if it doesn’t, the female in the situation doesn’t know that. If you don’t understand what I mean by this, then I recommend reading that blog entry before moving forward. Cat-calling is definitely a way of looking down upon women and degrading them. No woman wants to be treated like a piece of meat, and if she does, then she has likely been abused, has self-esteem issues, or is otherwise under the impression that that is what she deserves/that is what’s normal/that is what’s socially acceptable. And I’m sure a lot of people disagree and think cat-calling is playful and not anything to worry about, but to those of you who think that, as a female who is uncomfortable with men cat-calling me, I am not comfortable with it, and it’s all about the way the victim sees it, not the aggressor. So since you never know how the woman is going to take your cat-calls, I recommend not doing it, so as to not offend or scare anyone. I’m sure you mean well, and I’m sure you don’t mean to offend or scare anyone, but sometimes you can come off in ways that you don’t mean to at all, and you don’t want to be that guy.

7. Rooting for the offender: I’ve seen so many cases in which a rape was covered up, because the boy had “too much going for him.” He was a star athlete or had a full-ride scholarship to a great college or was incredibly intelligent and really going places. I don’t think that should matter. If he was worried about his life turning into the wrong direction, he shouldn’t have committed the rape. No one deserves to get off free for a major crime he/she committed, no matter the circumstances. Letting a man off for a rape, simply because he “has so much going for him” is telling the man he can do whatever he wants without any repercussions, and it’s telling the woman that she is not as important as the man who raped her. This is yet another reason why so many women don’t even bother reporting rapes.To (almost) close this blog entry, I’d like to throw out there an alternative perspective on this that men, especially, should pay attention to. Men should be thoroughly offended when excuses are made for men acting inappropriately toward women. I’d like to believe most men are gentlemanly and decent. So when someone makes up an excuse like “Oh, he’s just being a boy, and boys will be boys,” or “Well, she was wearing a mini-skirt, so she was asking for it,” that person is saying that men don’t have any self-control. That person is saying that, basically, men are like animals, and they don’t have any control over their actions. They will act disgustingly toward women who dress inappropriately, and they shouldn’t be held accountable for those actions, because they can’t help themselves. They are too stupid and weak and dirty to be able to control their own actions. To all of these allegations from the people who take up for men who do not act respectfully toward women, all men everywhere should be horribly offended.

Of course there are plenty of other ways to perpetuate rape culture, besides the scenarios I listed. For a quick list of real-world examples, check this out: http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/03/examples-of-rape-culture/. But basically, if you’re acting in a way that could be construed as sexist, or if you say something demeaning about a woman (or this can happen to men as well) that has anything to do with sex, violence, or women or femme men being lesser than "real" men, then it probably perpetuates rape culture. So it might be a good idea to stay away from those kinds of acts and that kind of language, so as to make sure we’re sending the right messages to our kids and, really, everyone else in the world. You don’t want to come off as a chauvinistic jerk any more than you want your daughter to become prey to other chauvinistic jerks, because she thought it was ok to be treated disrespectfully, so let’s try to cut it out with all this nonsense and get back to our busy lives.

For an eye-opening picture, check out this site: http://www.tickld.com/x/next-time-someone-says-women-arent-victims-of-harassment-show-them. And if you don't know how to determine consent, check out the following metaphorical examples, both of which are pretty funny and completely true: 1. http://www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/ and 2. http://www.upworthy.com/how-7-things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-rape-perfectly-illustrate-the-concept-of-consent?g=2.

Victim-blaming at its finest.

#91: Feline-Beckoning

It has come to my attention that, while I know most men don’t view themselves as “sexist” or “higher up” than women, a lot of men still don’t fully understand the female perspective on a lot of issues that involve not only respect, but safety as well. This blog entry is meant to highlight some of those issues and explain to men, and everyone in general, the female perspective on such issues. Hopefully, you find this enlightening and start to understand us women a little bit better. (Even if that doesn’t really interest you, women love it when men understand them, so maybe it’s worth a shot just to give this a once-over.)

Awhile back, the following video went viral: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should watch it, because it’s pretty enlightening. A young woman walks the streets for a whole day in just a crewneck t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. She doesn’t look provocative, but she is an attractive, but not flashy, young woman. All she does is walk around, minding her own business. She never responds to anyone who speaks to her, and she keeps staring straight ahead throughout her entire walk. She does nothing to attract attention, yet she is cat-called ALL DAY. Some of the men who talk to her say nice things like “You have a good day.” However, much more men hoot and holler and say things like “DAMN!!!” One guy followed her down the road for quite awhile, like a total creep, and would not leave her alone. One guy demanded that she smile or, at least, thank him for “complimenting her.” If you watch the video and don’t become sick at some of the things that go on, then it may be time for some re-evaluation of your understanding of and respect for women. When I watched this video, my stomach started to churn. It disgusted me. I’m not some crazy “Feminazi,” as they so eloquently call a lot of women these days. I’m a feminist, yes, because I believe that women should have the same rights as men, that women are equal to men, and that women should be just as respected as men. That is the extent of it.

I’m going to start with the obvious. Cat-calling the way a lot of the men, or maybe I should say boys, in the video did is disrespectful. It is disrespectful and creepy to follow someone around, insisting that they speak to you. It is disrespectful to yell “DAMN!!!” at a stranger who is just trying to cross the street and has not given you any kind of a sign that she is interested in speaking to you. That is not to mean that you should never hit on a stranger. There are respectful ways of doing this, and you should definitely feel free to hit on someone in a respectful way, should a woman show you interest. There is a respectful and non-threatening way to approach women in these situations, and there is a way to go about making it known that you are interested in her without disrespectfully cat-calling at her. It is disrespectful for you to demand that she smile and thank you for “complimenting her.” Women do not owe men anything. If you want to give her a “compliment,” as you say, she can smile at you or thank you if she wants, but she is not required to do so. If she doesn’t, maybe you will think she’s rude, and that is ok. But if she doesn’t, then it is NEVER ok to call after her and demand that she thank you for the “compliment.” WOMEN DO NOT OWE MEN ANYTHING – especially when you’re a stranger. The reason she probably didn’t thank you is probably because she didn’t want to acknowledge you and give you a reason to follow her and try to make conversation with her, because she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t know if you’re a threat to her physical or sexual health, and she doesn’t want to communicate with you. Think about it from your perspective. If you cross paths with a homeless person in a big city, and he reaches out to you, are you going to respond or just walk right by? Anyone who is grown up in a big city knows you should walk right by and not make eye contact or say anything, because if you do, that homeless person is very likely to talk back to you or start following you, simply because you acknowledged him, so he thinks he’s going to get something from you. It’s the same in any situation. If you acknowledge a dog, he will likely perk up and run to you. He might even follow you all the way down the street – because he thinks he’s found a buddy. THIS IS WHY WOMEN IGNORE MEN WHO CAT-CALL THEM. We’re not trying to be rude. We’re trying to make sure you don’t get the wrong impression.

But there’s something else that is the bigger issue here that it seems only women understand. Most men can’t fathom this, and it makes sense, because they’ve rarely, or never, had to worry about it. SAFETY. Picture yourself as a small woman. I’m 5’1, so I can tell you I’m smaller than most people in this world, even other women. Imagine yourself being small and simply not as strong as men are, not because you don’t work out, but because you are not chalk-full of testosterone and can’t build as much muscle as men typically can. Imagine that you have to walk home from work, or you have to walk to the store for something, or you go to a bar with friends, or you are walking around the mall. Imagine doing everyday things that you usually never even think about doing. But imagine being female. Imagine all these strange men who walk by you – well over a foot taller than you and much more muscular than you. You hope all these men are good, respectful men. And I like to believe that most are. But the fact is, you don’t know. You don’t know them from Adam. As long as there are serial killers, rapists, and muggers in the world, you will never know with 100% confidence who the people around you are or what they’re capable of. Now, as a man, you don’t have to worry too much about this. A lot of men are taller and more on the muscular side, so even if people wanted to mess with them, they probably wouldn’t get very far. And even if you’re a string bean of a man, you still aren’t a typical target. You can be, but it’s less likely. It is much more likely that a person who is up to no good will choose the woman as their target over anyone else in the area. Women have targets on their backs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it’s simply because people view them as easier targets, weaker, and more vulnerable, whether or not they actually are. So even if you’re a woman who has excelled in her self-defense classes, a strange man on the streets doesn’t know that, so he could easily still target you. Imagine living with that knowledge and underlying fear every day of your life. Imagine trying to live your life to the fullest with no worries, but every time a man that is a foot taller than you looks at you in a creepy way or talks to you randomly when you’re alone, you picture ending up like one of those other women on the news – buried in the middle of a forest, having been beaten, raped, and murdered. While I understand that this is not what comes to mind literally every time I come into contact with strange men, it does sometimes enter my mind – especially when I’m alone, or it’s dark outside, or I’m in an unfamiliar area. It is a scary thought to think that those women on the news could be you. Because, honestly, it could. And I don’t think women should have to live in fear of every strange man who crosses her path. I really don’t. But the sad fact is, that is what is always in the back of our minds, whether we let it consume us or not. And I don’t think we should let it consume us. We should be free to go where we want to go, at whatever time of day or night, and do whatever we want. But the sad fact is, we live in a world that is not always the safest, and whether you think this should be a worry that is on every woman’s mind or not, it is most likely on every woman’s mind.

I remember a guy I went on a date with in Atlanta one time. He kept me out until just before sunset, even though I kept trying to leave before it got dark, and then made me take MARTA home. For anyone who doesn’t live in the Atlanta area and may not be familiar with MARTA, it is an extremely sketchy and not always so safe subway line that goes through the Atlanta area. I try to avoid it at all costs, especially at night. There are tons of homeless people and beggars that take shelter there, and sketchy people swarm around the area – just like I imagine any subway to be. Well, I tried to explain to this guy why I didn’t want to take MARTA home, and that if I was going to do that, then I needed to leave before dark. You want to know the worst thing about this? The guy had a truck! He had a truck, and we were not more than a 10-minute drive from our date to my apartment, but he refused to take me home. So he dropped me off at the MARTA station, tried to kiss me (which obviously wasn’t going to happen,) and then said goodbye as I walked to my potential impending doom. I waited alone for about 20 minutes until the train came, I rode the train for about 15 minutes, and then I had to walk through downtown Atlanta, when it was pitch black outside, past sketchy gangs hanging out in the streets, for 15 minutes to my apartment. It was terrifying. Nothing happened, thank goodness, but the possibilities of what could have happened to me are endless. I was scared out of my mind unnecessarily. All I had on me was pepper spray. And I will never forget that experience. I will never forget the man who made me do that. Truthfully, I should’ve called a cab or a friend. And if I’m ever in that situation again, I will. I never spoke to that man again. It is the only time that I ever actually ignored a man after the first date, rather than just telling him I didn’t want to see him again. I was so upset and scared, and I couldn’t believe someone would put me through that. So I completely ignored him and never spoke to him again. That is what women have to worry about that average men simply can not and will never be able to understand.

So what’s the connection between women’s fears/safety and cat-calling? When you yell at a random woman, even if you think you’re giving her a compliment or saying something nice, that woman views you as a threat automatically. You have just entered her personal bubble by yelling something at her out of nowhere. She doesn’t know you. She’s never seen you in her life. You are a complete stranger. And you’re a man. You’re a foot taller than she is. You’re more muscular than she is. You could easily over-power her. You might be completely innocent and never have any intent to lay a hand on her. Maybe you just want to compliment her. Maybe you want to let her know how hot you think she is, for whatever reason. Maybe you think she might be interested in you if you act like that toward her, and that’s all your intentions are. But she doesn’t know that. You could run to her, chloroform her, kidnap her, rape her, beat her, and even murder her. Or you could be innocent and just a gross, disrespectful little boy. But she doesn’t know, because she doesn’t know you. So automatically, when you cat-call her, she becomes uncomfortable. She is now uneasy and maybe a little worried or scared. I can tell you from experience, when this happens to me, all I want to do is get out of there. I just want to walk really fast and get into a vicinity that I’m familiar with, where guys aren’t hollering at me with no provocation on my part. And if you started following her, like that one guy in the video? That is just about the scariest thing I can think of happening to me on the streets, besides what might follow. That is creepy and disturbing. That guy who demanded that she smile and thank him for his “compliment” – how degrading. That comes from the idea that women are weaker than and inferior to men. That comes from a mindset that women are here simply for the enjoyment and pleasure of men. That comes from a sexist attitude and outlook. Because no man who actually respects women would ever do that to one.

So what am I saying here? Am I saying strange men should never speak to women unless spoken to first? No. Am I saying men should never approach women for any reason? No. Am I seeing men shouldn’t hit on women in public? No. Am I saying women should live their lives in fear, never going out anywhere where they could come into contact with strange men? No. But I am saying that it would be wise for women to try to stay out of situations that could possibly put them in danger. It would be wise to remain vigilant and aware of your surroundings all the time and make smart decisions. I’m also saying that there is a respectful way to approach someone that you don’t know. If you’re in a social setting, that is the more appropriate place to hit on a woman, rather than on the streets. But even if you do run into someone you think is attractive on the streets, I’m not saying you shouldn’t approach her. But there is a polite, respectful, non-threatening way to accomplish this. Think about where you are, what time of day/night it is, and how you are coming across. Remain vigilant of your social cues. Don’t hoot and holler at the woman. Coming up to a woman to strike up a conversation with her, in hopes that it leads to getting her phone number, is a lot different than yelling “DAMN!!!” at a woman who is crossing the street, just trying to get where ever she’s going. That’s rude, degrading, and disgusting. Again, social settings are really the best places to hit on a woman – bars, clubs, friends’ houses, parties, school, concerts, public parks (during the day time, when there are a lot of other people around,) etc. You don’t want to scare her. You want to reassure her that you’re safe to talk to, and that you only mean well. Let her know you think she’s attractive in a polite, non-aggressive way.

 I had a guy come up to me at Publix, and I will never forget him. He came up to me and stood a couple feet away, so as to let me know he wasn’t going to pop my personal bubble, and he said “Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are so beautiful. Your husband is a lucky man!” I said, “Aww, thank you!” He said, “How long have you been married?” I said, “I’m not actually married, but I do have a boyfriend.” He said, “Well, you tell him he’s a lucky man, and you have a good day.” And then he left. I will always remember how good that made me feel and how respectful and non-threatening he was to me. All men should be like that. I could never have made up a more respectful scenario of how to hit on a woman than how that man handled things, and if I had been single, I probably would’ve given him my phone number, just out of being so impressed by him. THAT is how to handle things when you want to hit on a woman. That guy deserves the “Most Respectful Man of the Year” award.

Now what should we do to keep this cat-calling issue under control? And what should we do to keep more women safe, and to make sure they are able to feel safe? The answer is pretty simple. First off, teach your children to respect other people – not only teach boys to respect girls, but teach everyone to respect others. Cat-calling comes from disrespect – from thinking of women as inferior beings – from thinking of women as being solely here for a man’s pleasure – from thinking that they will get what they want if they disrespect women. I’d like to actually know how many women have actually given a guy what he wanted after he has cat-called her. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t usually work, and if it does, then I am very disappointed in my gender. Another thing – to my female counterparts, if you find yourself in an area where you are constantly in disconcerting situations, it might be appropriate to invest in self-defense lessons. I think that’s a good idea for anyone in general, but I just wanted to bring that up. I know some people suggest carrying a gun around, but not everyone is comfortable doing that, and if you don’t know how to use the gun properly – and even if you do – sometimes that can end up causing more harm than good. Also, it’s not legal in every place. Pepper spray is a good idea, as it is legal in most places, I believe. But you can’t go wrong with self-defense. There are some self-defense techniques that are darn near fool-proof.  I’ve always thought about possibly taking a self-defense class, and now I just might.

It also is pretty pertinent to throw out there that not all victims are female. Males can still be victimized. It is not as prevalent as finding female victims, but men can and have still been raped, murdered, mugged, beaten, etc. Just because you are a man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remain vigilant as well. No matter who you are, remain aware of your surroundings at all time, and it might even be a good idea for everyone, including men, to invest in self-defense classes. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself from getting into sticky situations if possible. And if someone does end up in a sticky situation, and harm comes to them, don’t be so quick to jump in and blame it on the person for getting himself/herself into that situation. Sometimes certain situations are unavoidable. Sometimes bad things happen, even in settings that are not easily recognizable as a potentially dangerous situation or setting. Sometimes people don’t even realize they’ve entered a sticky situation until they’ve already done so. Let’s try to keep each other and ourselves safe. Let’s try to stop judging other people’s situations so readily. And let’s try to make everyone more comfortable by being respectful to everyone else. Besides, there are many other better ways to tell a woman she’s attractive than by screaming “DAMN!!!” at her.

For some comic relief, check out these hilarious cat-calling Buzzfeed videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUJ24mblCLY, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8uOErVShiE.

 

What men might as well be saying when they cat-call women. Losers.

#90: Minimum Skills Required

I’ve seen too many Facebook rants about this that I have to offer up a different side to the following argument. People are so quick to jump to the idea that we should NOT raise the minimum working wage, which is currently $7.25 per hour in Georgia (federal minimum wage.) Some people argue that they would rather see us make the U.S. dollar worth more, rather than raising the minimum wage, because if we raise the minimum wage, that will make store owners raise prices on everything they sell, which will cause a lot of people to not be able to afford anything besides the necessities, which will inevitably cause a drop (and maybe even a collapse) of the economy, and a lot of businesses will have to shut down. However, I think people need to get some perspective on what it is like to work a minimum wage job and realize that $7.25 per hour simply isn’t enough to live off of. And apparently, a lot of people don’t believe it should be. However, if your parents have always paid for your education and supported you throughout your life until you got a “real job,” or if you were working age 20+ years ago when the economy was doing a lot better than it is now, then it’s very easy for you to jump to the argument that people who work minimum wage jobs should just “get a real job," that they will always work for minimum wage if they have "minimum skills," that they do not deserve a living wage, or that they are just lazy.

The federal minimum wage has barely changed since the 1980s, but inflation has skyrocketed since then. We have always adjusted wages to account for inflation in the past, and there have never been any problems with it. As a matter of fact, it helps the economy. The more money people get paid, the more money they spend, thus boosting the economy, which we desparately need right now. According to Huffpost Business, a study conducted in 2013 revealed that, if the minimum wage was adjusted according to 2012 inflation, then it would be $10.52/hr. According to the same study, if the minimum wage were adjusted according to increased productivity, it would be $21.72/hr! Back in the 1960s, it was normal for people in their early 20s to be able to buy a house while living on two low-middle incomes. Now people are living with their parents into their late 20s/early 30s. It's not because they are lazy; it's because life is much harder, and money is scarce.

If you think that the economy will fail, because businesses will have to shut down if we raise the minimum wage, that simply has not been the trend, if we are going by what has happened in the past. Up until the 1980s, we have always completely adjusted the minimum wage according to inflation, and the economy has never failed. On the contrary, it has always put more money back into the economy. The economy is in the toilet now for completely different reasons. And we could actually pay less in taxes, because paying people a living wage will get them off of welfare, which I know opposers of the minimum wage rise will love to hear. You can't keep wages inhumanely low AND not have people on government assistance, so which one are you willing to give, so you don't have to give the other one?

And of course, a lot of people are worried about how prices will increase if the minimum wage increases. A new study shows that, if we increase the minimum wage to $15/hr, then a Big Mac that normally costs $3.99 will cost $4.16. This is a mere 0.17 cent increase. (Check out the article here: http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2015/08/03/3687171/15-minimum-wage-big-mac/.) And a lot of people, including myself, are not calling for that big of an increase in the minimum wage. I think the minimum wage would be just fine if it were between $10-12/hr.

Here’s what I’m trying to get you guys to think about and gain perspective on: It’s not as simple as you think to just be able to go out and get a high-paying corporate job. Step out of your little bubble for a single second, and try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. I’m going to give you some examples of people who haven’t had it as easy as you probably have, and maybe you’ll see why some people are stuck in minimum wage jobs, or at least for awhile:

Example #1: Juan is a Mexican-born 18-year-old man whose parents brought him to the United States when he was 3 years old. America is all he’s ever known, but his parents don’t even speak English, and they have always worked minimum wage jobs under the table. His parents have never told him about what he could be or do in the future. They’ve never built him up to dream and shoot for the stars. They’ve always told him that all he’ll ever be is a low-life cashier working for minimum wage. Juan has a chance to break away from this, but it’s not so easy when this is all he's ever known. And it’s extremely difficult when all Juan has is a high school education and no money to go to college. His parents can’t help him, and he never worked toward anything that could get him any scholarships when he was in high school, because his parents never pushed him in school or told him how important education is. He can’t get college loans unless he has someone to cosign on the loan with him, since he is young and doesn’t make enough money. His parents don’t make enough money to cosign on the loans, and they are in the United States illegally, so they have no credit either. Juan has no one to back him up or help him out, so he has to do it all on his own. So maybe Juan decides he’s going to work a job as many hours as he can until he can get some money together for school. Or maybe he’s going to work a job until he’s old enough and has enough good credit to sign for his own college loans. Guess what kind of job he qualifies for while he works his way toward getting himself into college? A minimum wage job.

Example #2: Emily’s parents believe you should be responsible and do your own thing as soon as you turn 18 or graduate high school. When she graduates high school, her parents kick her out of the house. She has no money, and she has to get an apartment of her own and get a job, neither of which she has ever had on her own. She is young and has no money, so where does she go? Probably a minimum wage job, since she has no college education. Maybe her parents agree to cosign on college loans for her so she can get herself into college. But she takes some extra time getting through college since she has to work full time and pay for everything herself. How is a college student supposed to work off of $7.25 per hour and support herself while she makes her way through school? I believe this is the most common scenario we see, and this is very similar to what my scenario was when I was working minimum wage jobs.

Example #3: Nina was a great student in high school, but she made one mistake when she was 16 years old, and she got pregnant. She was only a child herself when she made one mistake that shaped the rest of her life. Maybe she even used protection, just like all the other girls in school. She did the same thing they did, but she was the unlucky one who slipped through the cracks. Her baby ended up being her greatest joy in the world, but it set her way back, because now she has to not only pay to take care of herself and put herself through school, but she has to take care of a child too. She gets little help from her parents, and the father doesn’t want anything to do with her or the baby. Maybe she can get court-ordered child support from the father, but she gets no help from him other than financial help. And they are 16 years old, so how much financial help could the father offer anyway? So where does Nina work? Probably a minimum wage job, since she doesn’t even have a high school diploma yet, let alone a college degree.

So take a moment to think about how fortunate you have been. Hopefully none of the scenarios above describes you. If your parents have supported you in everything you’ve done, that’s blessing #1. If your parents have paid for you to go all the way through college, or have at least contributed in some way, that’s blessing #2. And the root of it all: If your parents taught you to shoot for the stars and that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, count that as the most important blessing they could’ve ever given you. A lot of people aren’t so lucky.

Think about the kids who are thrown into this minimum wage bull crap. Think about the woman who accidentally gets pregnant and has no money or education. Let's say the father has nothing to do with her or the baby. Think about that poor baby who has to grow up in squalor, never knowing when or where his next meal will come from. Think about that poor kid who knows what his mom is doing with all those men who come into the apartment. And all this, just so that poor baby has some food to eat tonight.


We all know what happens when there is a huge population under the poverty line. Squalor. Crime. Racism. Abuse. Unhappiness. Suicide. Prostitution. Do you like any of these things? Well, that's what happens when people work their butts off at a job that doesn't yield enough money to get by, at the very least. We have seen, time and time again, that workers who are paid well do better at their jobs, feel appreciated, strive for more, and have better self-esteem. This is the recipe for greatness. People don't take their jobs seriously or work hard when they aren't valued and can just go across the street and get paid just as poorly there if they lose their first job. So think about what comes from treating people like scum, whether you believe they're scum or not. I'm not saying we should raise the minimum wage to $20 per hour or something incredible like that. But hard working people who maintain at least some sort of full time job should never have to worry about whether their babies are getting enough to eat or not.

A lot of people claim that minimum wage jobs are meant for high school students who need to learn work ethic and need extra spending money, but these jobs are NOT meant for anyone past high school. And they believe that, if you’ve made a minimum wage job your career, then you’re a failure. This is simply not true. Did you know that 88% of people who work on minimum wage are 20+ years old? The average age of minimum wagers is 35. All kinds of people work minimum wage jobs, and it’s because, at least for the time being, they can’t get anything better. I worked my way through college at a minimum wage job until I finally found a serving job my last semester of college that yielded more money than minimum wage. Are you telling me I’m a failure, because I had to work a minimum wage job while I put my own self through college without any outside help, all the while paying for my own housing and food? (By the way, this didn't last very long before minimum wage simply wasn't enough, and I had to seek help from my grandparents.) I agree that people should shoot for more than minimum wage jobs in the long run, but these jobs are meant for people who can’t get anything better for the time being, particularly while they’re in school. So think twice before judging someone’s situation and why they’re working a minimum wage job.

Also, think about how hard it is to survive on minimum wage, if you're in a situation that forces you to work off minimum wage, even if it's temprary, and maybe realize that $7.25 per hour simply isn’t enough for someone to survive. And even if you think no one should “make a career out of a minimum wage job,” the point is that some people do. And even if you don’t think it’s something people should do, not everyone can go to college and work swanky corporate jobs. Some people don't have the brain capacity or the talent, and some people have mental or phyisical health problems that hold them back. The fact is we NEED cashiers. We NEED food preps. We NEED servers and bartenders and cooks and bus drivers and warehouse workers and countless other people who make the world go round. Do you think we have enough high schoolers to fill those jobs? No. So the best we can do is take care of our hard workers. And as long as there are billionaires in this world, I will NEVER believe that it’s ok to pay workers $7.25 per hour, which by the way, ends up being about $5-6 per hour after taxes are taken out. But no matter what your idea of a solution for this problem is, try to break out of your little bubble and see things through other people’s eyes, and realize that not everyone has had as easy of a life as you probably have.

Now think about it this way. How many people in the nation want to go to school but don't due to lack of funds? A LOT. If we paid our workers better, then more people would be able to afford school and become educated. Don't we want more educated people in our nation? If people don't see education as an option, because it's so expensive, then people don't even try, and they get stuck at their minimum wage jobs. Furthermore, an ungodly low minimum wage makes the poverty level even deeper. It pushes tons more people even farther down below the poverty line, while a few people remain at the top of the pyramid. This particularly affects blacks and Latinos, perpetuating the divide between the races. We should distribute this money a little more evenly, don't you think? Yes, people who work extremely hard to make it all the way to the top and do a lot of good for the world should definitely make a lot of money, but I don't think it would hurt them very much for them to sacrifice a fraction of what they make so that millions of other hard working people can earn a living wage. Billionaires have, I'm sure, worked very hard to get to where they are, but I can tell, I've never seen someone work harder than someone working on a low wage. At my old job, there was a lady who is in her 70s and working 70+ hours a week at 2 very strenuous, bodily-taxing jobs. .

Yes, people who make minimum wage and don't have a college education and haven't worked toward high skills should definitely be paid a low wage, but $7.25 per hour is not even close to that. It's a slave wage that no one can live off of. Paying workers a wage that low while the dollar is practically worthless in this economy is like telling someone they don't even deserve to eat or have a roof over their head. Yes, these people deserve a low wage if they are working a job that literally anyone could work, but they, for sure, deserve more than $7.25 per hour.They deserve just enough money to be able to afford a very small place to live with a roommate or two, as well enough food to fill them up

Look, there will always be lazy people in the world. You can't fix lazy. There will be people who never aspire to be anything more than a cashier. Maybe that comes from their upbringing, or maybe they just don't care about life, or maybe they are just lazy. I don't know. I've never been one of these people. But there are far more hard-working Americans than lazy ones, if you ask me. And if you hold up a full-time job, then in my opinion, you're not lazy. It would be cool if you would aspire to be more and shoot for that dream, but to each his own. If you're apart of the working poor, and you give your entire life to a job, then you deserve to earn enough money to survive. That's how most Americans are anyway. They work very hard with not much to show for it. Yes, some people are lazy and barely do anything with their lives. But this small number of people shouldn't ruin it for everyone. Let's stop worrying so much about our precious billions of dollars and start being a little more generous to people who work just as hard as we do but haven't quite made it to the top yet. It's for the greater good anyway if we want to rid the world of poverty and crime, give more children a chance at a better life, and get our country educated.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Wow!

 It makes sense that, if we raise prices on everything else, we should probably raise the minimum wage.

 A lot of people agree that we should increase minimum wage.

 Sorry for the profanity if it offends you, but this is a really good point.

 I can't believe anyone would ever argue against a higher wage for one person, just because someone else's wage is not high. Fight for both of them to earn what they are worth! This kind of thinking isn't helping anyone. It's not going to help the paramedic if the hamburger-flipper doesn't get $15/hr. Now, instead of at least one of them having a better life, now neither of them got anything, and it's all because of jealousy and greed.

#89: Let's Dine Out Tonight!

I’ve been thinking about writing this entry for awhile now,and now that I’m no longer a server and have my college degree and am awaiting bigger and better things in my future, I feel like I can go ahead and write about this without feeling a little guilty, like I’m complaining about my job.This is not meant to be a complaint. Even though a lot of restaurants, if not all of them to be honest, are corrupt, don’t treat their employees well, and are difficult jobs to keep, I still believe that dining out is supposed to be a nice experience. It is perfect for all kinds of occasions – job interviews,birthdays, family gatherings, reunions of old friends, and dates. I think dining out is an important part of our culture, and that people need to know how to do it properly. Yes, there is a proper way to dine out, and everyone should be taught how to act at a restaurant before going out. Personally, I believe every young person needs to hold a job at a restaurant before ever going out at a restaurant, because we can tell our teenagers all I want about my past experiences as a server, but they will never really understand it until they experience it themselves and depend on the income from that job for their rent and food. I remember taking a party of 25 middle school kids who only had one adult with them, and everyone wanted separate checks. Those kids were not told by their parents that they needed to tip me. The woman that was chaperoning them tipped me $4 on her $40 tab, and I did not receive any kind of tip from any of the children. In full, that tab was probably $200 or $300, and I made $4 off of them. And since my tip out off that tab was more than $2 or$3, depending on how high the tab was, I only actually went home with $2 or $3 from them. So honestly, I also believe people should not dine out until they are of a certain age as well. But, hey, all I can do is make sure my future children don’t dine out at the age of 13 and teach them how to act at restaurants. Other than that, there’s really nothing I can do about anyone else’skids. My only other hope is to write this blog entry and share my experiences with you guys. So, if you want to get an idea of how you are supposed to act when you dine out, check out the list below. You may be surprised at some things you unintentionally do without thinking about it when you dine out. Since your dining out experience begins even before you walk in the door of the restaurant, I’ll start there.

1. Before you even arrive at the restaurant, get it worked out in your head how much you intend to spend and on your food AND the tip. Go ahead and add the tip into your budget. If you only want to spend $25,remember that you need to only spend about $20 on food so that you can afford to give a good tip. It’s not difficult. If you can afford a nice meal out,instead of a cheap meal that you buy at the grocery store, then you can afford to treat your server as nicely as he or she treats you. And if you go to a different country, learn the tipping norms there before dining out!

2. As soon as you walk in the door, make sure to check in at the hostess stand. DO NOT SEAT YOURSELF. There is almost always a sign at the front of the restaurant that says “Please wait to be seated.” That sign is there for a reason. (Some restaurants have a sign that says “Please seat yourself,” so obviously, it’s ok to seat yourself at those restaurants,but there are not many of those.) If you are at a legitimate restaurant, you are most definitely expected to wait to be seated. The hostess is there for a reason. Her job is to keep a rotation going for her servers. That way each server gets the same number of tables, so no server gets all the tables, while other servers don’t get any. Furthermore, the hostess’s job is to let the server know when he/she has gotten a table. If you come in and seat yourself, and the server is not constantly walking back and forth near your table, he/she might not realize you are there. This is especially true when it’s very busy, because then there are so many tables of people, it’s hard to tell when a new one comes in. So do everyone a favor and check in with the hostess. I would not walk into your house, not greet you, and go sit where ever I feel like sitting, so don’t go into someone’s place of work and do the same.

3. Try not to be picky about where you sit. This isn’t a must, but it is courteous to just sit where the hostess puts you. It annoys the hostess when she walks all the way to a table to sit you, and then you decide that table is not up to your standards. It is a waste of her time to deal with that. If you have a specific preference, tell her from the beginning.But the best thing to do is just sit where she puts you. Like I said before,restaurants have a rotation going so that every server has the same number of tables. This makes it fair for all the servers, and it keeps one server from being sat with three tables in a row and getting overwhelmed while other servers don’t get anything. You will survive without your precious booth! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a section with no booths or just 1 or 2 booths, and no one wants to sit at a table, so I didn’t make any money on those nights, while other servers with better section made bank and were worked to death on the same night I was bored out of my mind the whole night. There is no need to be so picky over something so silly as the table you eat at. I go to a restaurant to eat food, so as long as I get my food, I’m happy! And for the love of God, once you have sat down and gotten drinks and gotten your experience started, do NOT request to move tables, especially not to another server’s section. If you do, you have just wasted ten minutes of the first server’s time, as she will then have to transfer you to another server in the computer system, which is a pain and can upset the first table over her lost time and effort that she will not be tipped for.

4. Be patient for your server to greet your table.She has other tables, and the hostess may not have notified her she has a table. Also, it is possible that another server is going home, and they are in the process of changing sections, so it may take a few minutes for anyone to know who is supposed to be your server. Calm down, and check out the menu for a few minutes.

5. Do NOT talk on your cell phone while at your table, and definitely do not expect your server to take your order or even approach your table to greet you before you put that cell phone down. That is so rude, and the server can't get anything accomplish or ask you what you need or how the food is if you are too busy talking on the phone with someone else. Now, when your server approaches the table,LISTEN TO HIM/HER. Your server has a name. She will tell you her name, and it is only courteous to use it and try to remember it for the night if possible.She also has a schpeel to tell you upon greeting you. She will likely ask you how you are doing, tell you her name, and maybe even tell you some specials going on or new drinks or appetizers you might be interested in. Even if you don’t care about this, it is only courteous to let her get through the schpeel.When she arrives at the table, it is very rude for you to look up at her and just say “Diet coke.” Servers are people too. Server, not servant. Be kind. Be courteous. Do not be rude. Also, once she is done with her schpeel, you need to IMMEDIATELY tell her if you’re in a hurry. If you are, she will make sure you are out the door in time for your movie, but if you don’t, she will assume you are there for a leisurely meal, like most other people are, and you can’t blame her for that.

6. Again, be patient with your server. Furthermore,cooperate with her. If she comes to your table and asks if you’re ready to order, and you are not ready, she is probably going to give you a good while to figure out what you want, because she doesn’t want to keep bothering you when you’re obviously not in any hurry. So do NOT get angry or impatient and expect your server to be at your table immediately when you make your decision on what to eat. Also, realize that, if you order drinks from the bar, your server is waiting on the bartender to make your drinks before she can bring them to you. It is not necessarily your server’s fault if your drinks take a couple minutes to make. Be patient! You are there to relax and have a good time, so just relax. And if you tell the server you are ready to order, you better seriously be ready to order. The menu will say if your food comes with a side or 2 sides or a soup/salad or whatever. Know exactly what you want before you order. Most entrees come with at least one side of your choice! Look for the sides, soups, and salads on the menu, and know which one you want before you take up your server's time when ordering your food. The menu will also say how you can have things cooked. If I ask you, how do you want your fish cooked? Just tell me something. Don't stare blankly at me. What do you want? Fried? Grilled? Blackened? What? The menu says right there that you get a choice of fried, grilled, or blackened fish. This should not come as a surprise. If I ask you how you want your steak cooked, this is a common question. Do not stare blankly at me and tell me you don't know. If you are dining out with a small child, do not tell your server you are ready, begin ordering your food, and then look at your child and ask him what he wants. He is a small child. He will look at you and have no clue what to say if you haven't already previously discussed this with him. Children take just as much, if not more, time to look at a menu and figure out what they want to eat as you do. Also they are young, so they need your help and guidance when looking at the menu, especially if they can't read it yet. They can't just come up with an answer. They don't know what the restaurant has! Don't sit there and say "What do you want? Chicken fingers? A hamburger? A fish sandwich? What do you want? Ok, a corndog? Cool. Now what side do you want? French fries? Macaroni? Broccoli?" Meanwhile, the kid is looking at you with a blank stare on his face and not answering. Your server doesn't get paid enough to stand there and waste her time listening to a full on conversation about what your child might or might not want to eat while she has other tables to tend to. If you say you're ready to order, that means you and your whole table should know EXACTLY what they want to order, and you need to keep it short and sweet so other tables don't become angry with the server for not being at their table for such a long time. Also, do not cut off someone else to order your own food. Don't order your food until your server looks at you or directly asks you what want to order. Most likely, when someone orders something, the server has a question about how that person wants their food cooked, what kind of sauces they require, etc. So don't cut off your server or your dining out companion from their order until you are sure they are done ordering their food.

7. Do not order your food at different times. It’s actually best you order all your drinks at the same time too, but at the very least, do not order food all at different times. There is an order for things:First, if you are not drinking alcohol, then order your drinks. If you are drinking alcohol, then either order your waters and your alcoholic drink, or just order you waters while you check out the alcoholic drink menu. Then, if you haven’t yet, order your alcoholic drink. Then order your appetizer. Then order your food. When your server approaches the table, don’t immediately say “Chicken sandwich with fries.” She needs to get your drinks first. If you already know what you want to eat, and everyone else at the table does too, then give her your drink orders, and then tell her you’re ready to order your food whenever she is ready. Pay attention. If your server is going around the table taking drink orders, don’t look up when she gets to you and say “Chicken sandwich with fries.” Everyone will look at you funny, you’ll make yourself look silly, and you will annoy your server.

8. I guess this will be the miscellaneous section. Talk to your server. Joke with her. Listen to her. Every time she comes to the table, stop talking, and listen to what she has to say. Cooperate with her. She is there to help you, make your experience fun, and converse with you. Also, you will notice I call them “servers.” Do not call them “waiter” or “waitress.” Those are degrading names, even though you may not realize it. The proper term is “server.” Furthermore, do not make a huge ungodly mess, and do not let your children do that. Do not let your children run around and scream like hoodlums. They should never stand up on their seat or walk around the restaurant getting in servers' way. Keep them under control. Also, it is recommended that you do not bug your server about turning air conditioning up or down, or turning the lights up or down. She is very busy, and these are the kinds of things that can put her way behind and put her in the weeds. She wants to make your stay comfortable, but this is a ridiculous request. What you're doing is asking to change the temperature in the restaurant based on your own needs without regards to the needs of 100 other people in the restaurant. That's not fair. Besides, I would never go to your house and request you turn the air conditioning down for me. Servers run around like crazy and get hot and sweaty. They need the air to be flowing a little colder than normal. So if you are one of those people who is not very adaptable to multiple temperatures, then bring a jacket with you when you dine out. I keep a jacket in my car at all times, just as a rule of thumb. This has served me well in the past.

9. Don’t assume your server can read your mind. Be very clear when telling her what you want. One time, I had a table, and a customer asked me “Do you have any grouper?” I said, “Yes, we do, and we can cook it any way you like it.” She just left it at that, didn’t say anything else about the grouper, and said she wanted a fried green tomato appetizer. I asked her if she wanted that as her meal, and she said yes. Then her husband ordered a chicken sandwich as his meal. I put the order in, I brought it to the table,I asked if everything looked right, they said yes, and they ate it. Then a few minutes into the meal, I checked in with them and asked if everything tasted right, and the lady looked up at me and said, “Is that grouper coming any time soon?” I asked her what she meant, and she told me she had ordered “The Grouper.”No, she had not. All she had done was inquire about whether or not we carried grouper in house. So I told her, “Ma’am, I did not realize you were trying to order any grouper, and we do not carry anything by the name of ‘The Grouper.’We have grouper sandwiches, fried grouper baskets, etc. But you have to choose which you want, how you want it cooked, and what side you would like to order with it.” This is what I’m talking about when I say you need to be very clear,because you’re server is not a mind-reader. Also, when she asks you if your food looks right upon dropping it at your table, it is your job to tell her if something seems wrong. (For example, you have to tell her if you’re missing something.)

10. Remember that the cooks in the restaurant are doing the best they can. They are very busy, and it may take quite awhile for them to make your food, as you are not the only customer in the restaurant. Do not harass your server about when your food will be out. SHE DOES NOT KNOW. She has a lot to do for all her tables, and she does not have time to go to the kitchen and harass the cooks about giving you special treatment and getting your food out faster. If you do not have at least an hour to eat, then you should eat at home or go to a fast food restaurant, not a real restaurant.Furthermore, being very hungry is definitely not a valid reason to harass your server. Everyone is hungry. That is why they are at the restaurant. Be patient.

11. When your server drops off the food, like I said before, it is your job to tell her if you’re missing something, if the food does not look right, or if you need anything (examples: extra napkins, sauces,etc.) Try to come up with everything at one time and tell it to your server atone time. Do not tell her to get you something, then tell her you want something else when she comes back with the first thing, and then tell her something else when she comes back with the second thing. Your server is busy.Do not run her. And preferably, think of what you might need before your food arrives, and tell her when you order your food. If you always use malt vinegar for your fish, or A1 sauce for your burger, then tell her beforehand, so she has time to get it for you before you have your food and want to eat it immediately. That is a small window of time for her to get something for you,and she is probably very busy. Recognize when your server is extremely busy, and leave her alone as much as you can. And if she does not perform optimal services for you due to the fact that she is over-the-top outrageously busy, do not hold it against her and give her a bad tip. She is only human. It is not her fault there aren't enough servers on the floor. If she is getting her butt kicked, rather than tipping poorly, tip her extremely well. That will make her feel like all that work she just did was worth someone, and she will feel appreciated. Chances are, all her other customers tipped her poorly, so you don't want to add to that, do you? That can really make a server's day very depressing if no one sees her effort or appreciates it.

12. You are allowed to send back anything you don’t like, but it looks really bad and is a huge waste. Try not to send back food if at all possible. Your food doesn’t have to come our flawless to a T for you to enjoy it. I consider that a first world problem, and you’re wasting the restaurant’s money. That is the reason food prices at restaurants are so high.They have to account for all the food people mindlessly send back to go into the trash. And who eats the money from that wasted meal? The restaurant. That isn’t fair. So be careful about sending food back. Be sure the food is ruined before you send the food back. And if you want to send the food back, don’t wait for your server to read your mind and have another plate made for you or take that meal off your ticket. Tell her exactly what you want her to do in order to fix the problem. And if she can’t get you exactly what you want, it’s probably the manager’s doing, not hers. A server only has so much power. Also, if something is wrong with the food, tell your server IMMEDIATELY when you notice it, so she has a chance to fix the problem. I have had people tell me everything looks right, eat the whole plate of food, and then tell me something was wrong or missing from their plate and request to have the plate taken off their bill.This is not right. It’s not ok, and you can’t expect your server to take that off your bill. And if your server does not take it off your bill, do not blame her. It is the manager’s doing. No server ever has the power to take things off your bill without a manager’s approval. Nine times out of ten, when people have tried to pull this trick on me, they get angry when I can’t take the plate of their bill, and they have given me a terrible tip.

13. When you are finished with something, whether it is a cup, plate, or trash, sit it at the edge of the table closest to the server. She will get it out of your way. If you are going to stack things, which you can do if you'd like to be helpful, then stack them well! Don’t stack them so that the server is bound to drop everything all over the place when she attempts to pick them up. When you are done with your plates, put them on the edge of the table closest to your server. If you don’t want to do that, then at least make it easy for your server to take it out of your way. If she asks you to hand you your plate, don’t sit there and ignore her and talk to your friend across from you. Pay attention. Help her to help you. She can not always reach the plates herself, but she wants to get them out of your way, and if she doesn’t, she can get in trouble with management. Also, if your server brings you a refill in a new cup, if you are done with your old cup, immediately take your straw out of the old cup, put it in the new cup, and hand your server your old cup.

14. Now, once the bill comes to the table, your server will likely stand it up on the edge of the table. Do not pick it up,play with it, and set it down. This will confuse your server. If the booklet is lying flat on the table, that is supposed to mean there is a form of payment in the booklet, and that you are ready for her to come pick it up from you.

15. Finally, you may have read my blog entry about how tipping is a terrible system ("Dodger Logic #74: Tip Cows, Not Servers,") but this is the system that is in play right now, so we have to run with it. The best we can do now is to be a good tipper.That is how you ensure good service in the future. If you repeatedly go to a restaurant, every server there will know if you’re a bad tipper, and you will not receive good service. Furthermore, you may even find that, one day, no server at the restaurant will serve you. While it is not recommended, servers have the right to refuse to serve any table, by law. Even if you don’t care about this,you should tip well, because it’s the right thing to do. Sharing is caring. I wouldn’t go to your job and require a service from you, and then refuse to pay.You required a service from your server, and tipping is the way you pay her. She makes $2.13/hr, and every single bit of that goes to paying taxes on tips. So literally the money she makes in tips is her entire income. Furthermore, she has to tip out a certain amount of money from your tab to the bartender, busser, food runner, hostess, and sometimes even cooks and dishwashers. So you if you don’t tip her enough or at all, she actually loses money from serving you. Nowadays, the norm is to tip 20%. That is for good service. Make sure not to miscalculate the tip. Also make sure not to blame the server for things that are out of her control such as your food being cooked wrong, the food taking too long to get to you, and not taking something off your bill. (The latter is up to the manager, not the server. If the manager decides not to take something off your bill for you, that is not your server’s fault.) Do not be harsh when judging your server and tipping her based on those judgments. She works very hard for 14 hours straight, sometimes 6 or 7 days a week. If she made one mistake,it is not that big of a deal, especially if she fixed the mistake to the best of her ability. Here is what your tip says: 1. 20% or more – “We appreciate you making our experience great! You are a hard worker, and we enjoyed our time here.” 2. 18% - “You did a good job, and liked you, but you could’ve been a little bit better.” 3. “15% - We only gave you the minimum, because your service was not up to par, but we still believe you should be paid for your services”. 4. 10% or less – “You are terrible at your job, and you don’t even deserve to be able to afford a roof over your head or groceries to feed yourself. Go find something else to do, because serving isn’t your thing, and we hate you.” Believe it or not, your tip has a lot to do with your server’s happiness and self-esteem. It has less to do with the amount of money they receive from you, and more to do with the message you send with your tip.Furthermore, if you have something taken off your tab, you are still expected to tip as if that plate was still on your tab. Your server still brought that food for you. If you use a coupon or discount of some sort or gift card, you are still expected to tip off the original tab. You are also expected to tip on the total AFTER taxes are added. Don’t be stingy. It is my personal experience that what comes around goes around, so be good to everyone you come into contact with, no matter what! It will pay off in the end, and it’s simply the right thing to do. Oh! And also, realize that some places gratuitize 18% on parties of 6 or more, but not all places do. Check for that on your ticket when you get it. Don’t always leave it at 18%. You can add on top of that and should if your server was good to you. Do NOT be offended if you have been gratted.Servers get screwed out of tips all the time, so this is their way of making sure they don’t get screwed over on a huge tab. They don’t know you and don’t know how you tip. And sometimes the gratuity is automatically added by the computer, so it might not even be your server’s fault that it’s there. Do not complain about being gratted. If that is the restaurant’s rule, then that is the restaurant’s rule. You look like a cheap trouble-maker if you complain about the gratuity and ask for it to be removed. Also, do NOT assume that gratuity has been added to your ticket and not tip the server. Not every restaurant practices gratuitizing on parties. If you assume there is gratuity on the tab, but there isn’t, your server does not get tipped at all.

So, as long as you follow these fairly simple rules on howto properly and courteously dine out, I think you’re ready! Go out, relax, and have a great time. That’s what dining out is all about! And remember to always be courteous and patient about everything. At least in the restaurant industry, servers and managers are more likely to give you what you want if you show them respect, because in this industry, respect is not something you see very often. This is why they appreciate respect when they finally get some! Have an enjoyable night out the next time you dine out! 

If you want more funny and insightful rules of dining out, check out this funny site that tells you more: http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-ways-to-tick-off-your-waiter.php. Also, here is a website about "campers" or people who take up a server's table all night so that she can't turn the table, and some ways you can "camp" but still do good by your server: https://thewaitressconfessions.wordpress.com/?contact-form-id=1310&contact-form-sent=1385&_wpnonce=2e86344fcd#contact-form-1310. And if you want some hilarious videos about servers ranting about their problems in a comedic way, check out the 1. "The Restaurant" videos on YouTube, 2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWH-InCezlQ, 3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3Ame4rRO-k, and 4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3cvW5r-YUU, and 5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u32XwObvTNA. I also found this video about this couple that was arrested for not tipping! The video is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCZ0Sa3uMZc.

 This is how you should like when you dine out! Enjoy it!